


It's hard to dance with a devil on your back

by tinglingworld



Category: Ocean's 8 (2018)
Genre: F/F, Healing, It's not SUPER angsty, Post-Heist, Road Trip, Self-Discovery, but i tried to make it real, but there's so much they have to work out first, content/trigger warnings will be in the notes for each chapter, criminals in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-08-07 09:27:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 30,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16405769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinglingworld/pseuds/tinglingworld
Summary: “So what are you going to do with your money?”“I’m going to go to California. Take my bike down the coastline.”“California? That’s- But- I’m still on parole, I’m not allowed to leave the state.”Lou’s eyes closed for a second, pain flashing over her face for the briefest moment.“I know.”





	1. Regrets collect like old friends

**Author's Note:**

> This fic will deal with some mature content, although most of it will be merely mentioned and not explicit. I will put the appropriate warnings in the notes for each chapter, to give you a heads up so you can skip over things if you need to.
> 
> I fully did not intend to write a multi-chapter fic. I wanted to write a series of character-centric oneshots, but alas things never work out the way to plan them. This story is based around lyrics from Florence + the Machine's song "Shake it out", which I have to admit I first heard when they covered it on Glee, but oh well I found the goddess that is Florence eventually. 
> 
> This will be the first multi-chapter fic I post as I am writing it in 7 years and I am majorly nervous about that. I usually like to have things finished before posting, but with this I feel if I don't post it now, I'm going to lose motivation and then it'll never see the light of day at all. So out of my comfortzone it is and here's the first chapter.  
> As of now I have 4 chapters already finished and I plan an updating schedule of about every 3 days. Let's see how long I can keep up with that.

_1\. Regrets collect like old friends_

 

“So what are you going to do with your money?”, Debbie asked looking over at Lou on the opposite side of the couch. 

They had spend the evening on said couch, watching some reruns of a crime show, eating leftovers from the goodbye party the day before. Everyone else had left during the course of the day. The financial side of the heist had been completed a couple of weeks ago, the money safely stored in all of their different accounts and each of the women had used part of their share to take steps towards the future.

Amita and Constance finally both had their own apartments and were over the moon at the mere thought of having an entire place to themselves. Nine Ball had bought and refurbished a bar which she was going to live over. Tammy had set up college funds for her children. Rose and Daphne each had bigger plans, Rose trying to relaunch her label with ateliers all over the world and Daphne setting things into motion for her own production company. 

Although not everyone had been reliant on living at the loft for as long as they had, it somehow turned into a quiet agreement, that they would continue to revel in this bubble they had built for themselves pre-heist until every single one of them was prepared to move on. Today had been that day.

And Debbie, as much as her credo was ‘Never get too close to anyone, it might ruin a job’, had to admit that she was gonna miss them. It was crazy how much you got used to people.

 

“I’m not sure yet.”, Lou eventually answered to her question, smoothing out a wrinkle in her purple blouse.

“You have to have some idea.”

“I do.”, she shrugged, not meeting Debbie’s eye. 

Lou was obviously stalling, but why was beyond Debbie. They had fallen back into their rhythm so easily, she was surprised by it herself. She didn’t know what exactly she had expected, but it wasn’t this. Deep down she knew that they wouldn’t be able to continue like this forever. There were so many things that needed to be said, so many apologies to be made. But when it came to expressing emotions, real emotions, Debbie Ocean had always been a coward. And as of yet the nagging feeling in her stomach, telling her that Lou wasn’t quite, just quite, herself, hadn’t yet reached a level of prompting her into starting conversations she wished she didn’t need to be having in the first place.

 

“Well, will you tell me?”, she asked, whisking away all of these thoughts, prodding at Lou’s leg with her foot.

“I will.”

“Now?”

Lou shook her head, “Debbie Ocean, you are insufferable.”

Debbie merely grinned.  “Well?”

“I’m going to go to California. Take my bike down the coastline.”

Debbie had to swallow to keep her mouth from falling open in surprise.

“California? That’s- But- “ she shook her head to clear her thoughts that were suddenly all over the place. One thing was standing out in neon lights though: “I’m still on parole, I’m not allowed to leave the state.”

Lou’s eyes closed for a second, pain flashing over her face for the briefest moment.

“I know.”

“Oh. - Oh”

 

Debbie merely stared at Lou for a long moment before she had to avert her eyes, letting them wander through the room instead in a desperate attempt to focus on something, anything. Of course she had known things between her and Lou hadn’t really been okay. There was that feeling in her stomach after all, along with the knowledge of things that had been unaddressed. But that it prompted Lou to actually want to leave, to go where she physically could not follow her? It hit Debbie harder than she would have expected and she had to swallow heavily.

 

“How- How long will you be gone?” Speaking suddenly felt like fire burning the back of her throat.

“I don’t know. A couple of weeks, a couple of months?” Lou’s voice was quiet, nothing like her usual confident timbre.

Debbie could feel her shift on the sofa, but refused to look at her until she was speaking again, having moved closer to Debbie, directly meeting her eyes now.

“Deb, I just need time to think. By myself. Away from all of this.”

“Away from me.” Her voice sounded so small it surprised Debbie as she heard the words. She hadn’t intended to say them, but they had tumbled from her lips nonetheless, the feeling behind them a prominent pain in her chest.

 

“Yeah,” Lou confirmed, sadness now blatantly obvious in her expression, “away from you.” She paused and took a deep breath, her eyes leaving Debbie’s to dance around the room aimlessly for  a long moment, before they eventually focused again on the brunette. The words obviously didn’t come easy to Lou, but finally she spoke again:

“You broke my fucking heart when you left six years ago. And then- you just come back with this insane plan for the jewel heist of the century. So of course I was in, because how could I not? How could I say no to millions of dollars and the thrill of this crazy plan? And you freaking knew that! And before I knew it we were back...” she gestured around the couch, “here. Talking and chatting, living together, running this job like old times as if nothing had changed when everything did.”

She exhaled, running her hands through her hair before letting them fall heavily into her lap.

 

Debbie didn’t know what to respond. 

You broke my heart, Lou’s words echoed in her head. They made her want to cry. They made her want to scream and apologize profusely but she couldn’t. Not even for Lou, she couldn’t. Because apologizing never came easy for Deborah Ocean who had been brought up with the doctrine of you do not ever admit weakness or mistakes. And while she recognized that voice in her head as her hateful father’s who she had sworn to never become like, it remained that admitting mistakes almost hurt on a physical level. It’s the whole reason all of her jobs where immaculately planned into the smallest detail, so that mistakes weren’t made in the first place. 

But this was different, this was the biggest mistake, the biggest regret of her life. She would do almost anything to make it unhappen, to take back the words and actions of that one day 6 years ago. 

 

But she didn’t say that. She returned Lou’s gaze, those intense blue eyes focused on her hopeful, expectant. Debbie saw the exact moment that hope was abandoned when she continued to stay silent. It was like the sky clouded over with a dark storm. She had to look away. Another moment of regret to add to the list.

 

Movement of the couch beneath her told Debbie Lou had gotten up. 

 

“I-“, the blonde started before breaking off choking on the words, making Debbie’s head snap back up to her. Lou Miller did not cry easily. Seeing her fight tears now sent a stabbing pain through her chest. She should’ve looked away but she couldn’t help but hold Lou’s gaze, her eyes brimming with tears Debbie knew she wouldn’t let herself allow to fall. 

“You can stay here if you want,” Lou eventually whispered, emotions too thick to find her voice, “But I also gave Tammy a key to look after the place so- you don’t have to.”

Debbie simply nodded, almost choking on the sudden nausea her constricting chest was causing as she continued to hold Lou’s gaze.

“I’m leaving tomorrow.”

 

Debbie had expected that. She wasn’t sure if it had been the plan all along but she knew the moment this conversation had started that they wouldn’t have another day of pretending. They would probably never have another day of pretending again, pretending to be who they were six and a half years ago: careless, content, happy, always unquestioningly at each other’s side. 

 

In the end it was Lou who broke the eye contact and turned around to go upstairs. Debbie followed her movement, unable to let Lou out of her sight a second earlier than absolutely necessary. When she moved down the hallway towards her bedroom she disappeared from Debbie’s view and something inside Debbie shattered. She was horrified at the wounded sound that wretched its way from her lips. She hadn’t expected Lou to turn around and step towards the first floor railing and immediately clasped her hands over her mouth when she did, staring up at her. 

 

“I do plan on coming back”, she said, quietly but her voice carried down to Debbie easily in the uncharacteristically silent loft. 

 

Before Debbie even got to contemplate that statement, Lou’s bedroom door had fallen shut, leaving Debbie alone.

Suddenly the room felt a lot bigger and colder than it had just ten minutes ago. Biting down hard on the inside of her lip to counter the almost overwhelming emotions, she got up, turned off lights and TV and headed for Tammy’s old bedroom. It was the one farthest away from Lou’s. 


	2. All of the ghouls come out to play

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here's the next chapter. A lot of you said you love angst, so here you go. 
> 
> **Trigger Warnings:  
>  mentions of (sexual) abuse, anxiety, self-harm ******

_2\. All of the ghouls come out to play_

Debbie had no idea how she had fallen asleep. She had thought it absolutely impossible, laying awake for hours tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable. Her heart had been racing, her mind reeling, so many what-If scenarios in her head she wanted to chop it off to have some peace.Yet as she opened her eyes now, bright daylight fell in through the windows clearly marking the next day. Laying still, staring at the ceiling she listened for the loft’s usual morning noises, yet heard nothing. The room, the house was utterly silent. She hadn’t heard this little sound in almost 6 years and it felt strange. So she scrambled to sit up, clutching the sheets to her body. They smelled faintly of Tammy still and that made her smile for the briefest of moments, the memory of her friend comforting.

 

She got out of bed quickly though, unable to stand the silence coupled with her doing nothing. Padding down the first floor hallway barefoot, her eyes were immediately drawn to Lou’s bedroom door. It was open a crack, but there was no sound to be heard. A look downstairs showed the corner where Lou’s bike was usually parked empty. She was gone.

Something inside Debbie clenched painfully, but she fiercely pushed the feeling aside. She made her trip to the bathroom and then into her own bedroom to change into something more sophisticated than the sweater and leggings she was still wearing from the day before. Debbie had learned long ago, that clothes were a powerful tool in feeling better about yourself. So the sweater and leggings got thrown into the laundry bag and instead she put on a teal blouse and her most comfortable slacks. Stepping in front of the mirror to brush her hair, she already felt a little better. More composed.

For breakfast Debbie turned on the radio that sat atop one of the kitchen shelves. She wasn’t particularly fond of any kind of music, but the silence in the empty loft was just too much and she needed sound. Picking away at the eggs she had scrambled, she almost choked on a bite as the next song started playing and although she didn’t remember the title, she remembered the feeling. Cheap Motel rooms and long car rides through Arizona desert flashed before Debbie’s eyes. Her fork fell to the table with a loud plonk, startling her. With more force than necessary she pulled the plug and the radio fell silent. Debbie took a deep breath. Silence.

Goosebumps settled over her arms and made her shudder, her heart picking up its beat.

 

Running her hands through her hair she shook her head to clear her thoughts though she remained unsuccessful. Part of her brain still lingered at the memories the song had procured, memories that were inseparably linked with Lou. They made her heart ache with longing for the simplicity of these times when it had just been the two of them: laughing together, endlessly teasing each other, kissing whenever they felt like it, fucking just because it was fun. They never put a label on it and they never needed to because they both knew that at the end of the day they would always return to the other. But thinking about it now physically hurt in a way Debbie hadn’t imagined possible. 

She was in no way a stranger to physical pain. Growing up under Frank Ocean and her recent time in prison had left her with more than enough experience.

But the other part of her brain was even worse, already back at focusing on the absolute lack of sounds, like _that_ detail were the real danger. There was the fridge’s soft buzzing and the clock over in the back sitting area ticking away, but for Debbie’s ears that was so quiet it was negligible. It wasn’t that she _liked_ noisy environments, it was that they were the only thing she was used to lately.

Prison had always been so loud! Of all the horror scenarios she had painted in her head from the moment the cops had handcuffed her, what she had never expected was the sheer volume in prison. It had taken her weeks to be able to catch more than an hour of sleep at a time and when eventually she was starting to get used to the noise, her newgirl-protection period had run out and she was inevitably faced with small scale but high risk prison gang politics. It was nearly impossible to stay out of them. She might have grown up a criminal, but navigating prison was harder than any bank robbery she had ever been a part of. Sleeping had soon become a luxury she couldn’t allow herself because survival was dependent on listening and interpreting every single noise around her. Recurrent trips to solitary had allowed her to gather her thoughts once in a while, take a deep breath and remind herself that the outside world still existed. They were also the only times she could catch up on sleep. It was these weeks in solitary she had been most productive in terms of planning the MET heist, as well. But not even solitary had been quiet. One might think metal doors several inches thick kept out noise but they really didn’t. For some reason there had always been someone screaming in one of the other cells in the unit.

 

But as they say, you really could get used to anything and so Debbie had gotten used to the noise and to the lack of sleep and when her third year had rolled around and she had magically found herself with a nameless Good Samaritan from the outside bribing one of the guards on her behalf, opening up a line in for contraband everything had changed in her favor. She didn’t deal big scale, the more important thing on her mind was always her great plan. But it got her enough respect and leverage to regain some level of safety, which didn’t mean she stopped sleeping with a shiv underneath her pillow that on more than one occasion probably did save her life.

 

All of these memories were suddenly so vivid in Debbie’s mind she could almost taste the misery that was palpable in every corner of that place, visible on every woman’s face no matter the facade they put up. She didn’t want to see these things again, she wanted to forget she ever experienced any of that. So she should be fucking happy that she finally had a place completely to herself! In silence!

But she wasn’t. Her body, whatever part of her brain was responsible, was freaking out and she felt her breath hitching in her throat on her next inhale, making her panic for a second until she got another breath in.

With shaking fingers she gripped the countertop, forcing herself to continue to take deep breaths. When she had managed three countable attempts in a row, she gave in to the pathetic but overwhelming urge for meaningless sound, hurrying to plug the radio back in, moving through the living room to turn on the TV as well, cranking the volume all the way up.

 

Indiscernible voices mixing in the large space of the loft, Debbie felt the tension in her muscles slowly ease, her breaths coming the tiniest bit easier again. She let herself fall onto the couch and started crying, shamelessly sobbed like she hadn’t done in years although she had felt like it every single day.

 

.....

 

At 4pm, Debbie gave up picking up the pieces of herself that had continued to fall all around her since the morning and with shaky cold fingers reached for her phone, calling Tammy.

She didn’t even bother trying to make her voice resemble anything close to composure, knowing full well that Tammy, sweet loving caring Tammy, would recognize the hoarse rasping for what it was.

“Tammy, can I come stay with you for the night?”

There was no pause before Tammy replied.

“Of course you can. Will you be fine driving or should I get you? I can ask Amanda next door to look after the kids.”

A sound somewhere between laugh and sob broke free before Debbie could do anything about it, but she actually felt the tiniest smile pull at her lips at Tammy’s response.

“No, no. I’ll be fine driving.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure, I promise.- ... Thank you Tammy.”

“Of course.”

Tammy’s voice gave away both worry and sympathy and although Debbie felt guilty for it, she also felt comforted and took another sad attempt of a deep breath.

“See you soon.”

“Drive Safe!”

They ended the call and Debbie rolled onto her back, running both hands over puffy red cheeks and through hair that she had hopelessly tangled with this exact gesture done about a million times today.

 

She had spent the whole day in a perpetual state of anxiety, always just a fraction away from a full blown panic attack. It wasn’t like she was a stranger to them. They happened, occasionally, mostly when her childhood caught up with her on birth or death day anniversaries. But this was different, this was worse, this was torture and all of her, half assed coping mechanisms failed her. She was exhausted and miserable. She needed a break from her own mind that just kept jumping from one pile of painful memories into the next like a freaking child jumping puddles. It alternated with ridiculous regularity between memories of Lou on the one side all inclusive the inevitable guilt of leaving her the way she had and then getting left in return; and prison on the other side with all of it’s sensory memories from being starved to being assaulted to almost getting killed and everything in between including having to put her hands down too many pants to keep on people’s good side.

She needed a freaking break. She was stubborn and usually too proud to admit weakness in front of anyone that wasn’t Lou and even then she struggled, as the day before was the prime example for.But this feeling! This feeling of wanting to crawl out of her own skin, of wanting to pull out her hair, unable to ever get in as much oxygen as she felt she needed. She couldn’t stand it any longer and the only other person she’d allow to see her like this was Tammy.

 

The glass of whiskey she had had at noon had only made things worse. That was a new thing, because historically alcohol, although never a good idea, usually got the job done to let her forget what she was intending to forget. But much had changed in 6 years.

The walk she took after that, barefoot along the river through ice cold water only had her freezing. So she had taken a bath when she returned, which had been the most helpful thing she tried, for about 10 minutes. Then the burning sensation of circulation being returned to her freezing limbs had triggered the vivid memory of having boiling hot water poured over her hands in a humid laundry room smelling of mold and aggressive detergent and she had all but jumped out of the bathtub, slipping on wet tiles, hitting her elbow hard on the sink and simultaneously bruising her hip as it made hard contact with the edge of the tub on her way to the floor.

That was two hours ago.

Once she had been able to stop sobbing and pick her naked body up from the bathroom floor, the only thing she had managed to do was to put on clothes and lie on the couch. Her wrists had dark red scratch marks from where she had been dragging her nails across the skin in an attempt to distract herself with the sensation of the physical pain. It was when she had eventually drawn blood, enough for it to actually dribble down onto her sleeve, that she had reached for the phone and called Tammy.

 

Getting up from the couch, she grabbed a tissue from the kitchen counter to wipe away the annoying bleeding. Her eyes wandered through the empty loft, trying to remember where Lou kept the keys to her Toyota. She had told Tammy she’d be fine driving. The alcohol from earlier should long be out of her system and actually, the prospect of driving out of the city, landscape opening up around her, the old Toyota roaring offensively loud- it seemed about as good an idea as any to get out of her mind.

 

When she pulled up in Tammy’s driveway, she took the deepest breath she had been able to the whole day, which was decidedly already a success. She was just reaching for the bag she had haphazardly packed and thrown on the passenger seat when already she saw the front door opening and Tammy stepped out.

She hurried out of the car and Tammy greeted her halfway to the front door, pulling her in a tight hug, engulfing Debbie in the old familiar smell of hibiscus shampoo that laid itself calmingly over Debbie’s overstimulated senses.

When she pulled back, Tammy gave her a once over that was so much that of a concerned mother that it made Debbie want to both roll her eyes in annoyance and latch her arms back around her neck and not let go until she felt better. She settled for a half smile and a shrug instead that weren’t very convincingly portraying any kind of particular emotion. Tammy didn’t reply to it, simply took her hand and led her inside, kicking the front door shut behind them.

“The guest room’s upstairs next to the master bedroom. The kid’s sleep on the other side of the hall. I dropped them at Amanda’s, they bought a trampoline recently and the kids wanted to jump on it ever since anyway.”

Debbie only nodded and kept following Tammy through the elegantly decorated staircase to the upstairs landing and into a welcoming guest room painted in shades of beige and creme. Debbie let her bag fall to the floor next to the bed and shrugged out of the light sweater she had put on.

 

“Debbie! What the heck?!”

Tammy’s exclamation had Debbie jumping but her right hand was already firmly caught in Tammy’s, her eyes fixed on the angry red marks on her wrist.

“Did you do this to yourself?” Tammy’s eyes were piercing, but not unkind, her voice a mixture of disbelief and worry. Debbie merely shrugged and gave a tiny nod.

“ I- needed to distract myself from, well, everything else.”

Tammy continued to stare at her for a moment longer, but eventually she nodded understanding, her eyes softening.

“Sit down and wait. I’ll be back in a minute.”

She left and Debbie obediently sank down onto the bed, looking around the room. There was a wardrobe next to the door, a desk in the corner under the window and an armchair in the corner opposite the door. It was a nice room. It was a nice house. Tammy’s little suburban dream house.

 

Footsteps turned Debbie’s attention back to the door where Tammy returned with a little box.

She sat down next to Debbie, opened it to reveal bandages and other first aid stuff and held out her hands.

“Let me take care of your wrists, okay? And then you can decide whether or not you want to tell me what’s wrong.”

Debbie let out a small but desperate laugh, holding out one hand for Tammy to start on.

“I’m having a freaking never ending anxiety attack is what’s wrong.”, she huffed, flinching when disinfectant was sprayed onto her raw wrist.

“That I have noticed,” Tammy replied calmly, pausing her administrations and locking eyes with Debbie who hadn’t expected that answer.

“Have you?”

Tammy nodded, returning to her work at her wrist.

“You called me crying. You have that look of a panicked animal and you really did a number on your wrists here. We really have to find you another coping technique, this was always a bad habit.”

Debbie couldn’t help her forehead wrinkling in question.

“What?”

“There. Now the other hand please.”

Tammy had fixed the first bandage and now held out her hand for the other wrist. Perplexed and confused Debbie moved it into Tammy’s grasp, flinching once again at the disinfectant.

“You’ve always scratched at your wrists when you’re nervous or uncomfortable, even back at school. But Deb, you really have to find something else because this looks bad.”

She carefully turned Debbie’s hand to get a better look and then gently put some kind of cream and sterile gauze on the wounds before bandaging them up.

 

Debbie was taken aback by the fact that Tammy had noticed this detail about her. One she hadn’t really been too aware of herself, although thinking back on it, Tammy was right. Scratching her wrists had always been a nervous gesture, so she guessed it made sense she had returned to it in her fruitless attempts of countering her anxiety today.

Tammy had fixed the second bandage and now took Debbie’s hand in hers, interlacing their fingers.

“You want to tell me what triggered this?”

Tammy’s warm hand in hers, her voice gentle and her eyes soft, Debbie had to bite her lip to keep from breaking out into tears.

“What about the kids?”, she asked instead through gritted teeth.

“They’ll be gone for at least another hour.”

She nodded, trying again to take a deep breath and failing, instead uncomfortably gasping for more oxygen, a shudder running down her spine. She shook her head in exasperation as tears were once again pooling in her eyes.

“It’s ridiculous really.”, she whispered voicelessly.

“It’s not.” Tammy immediately retorted, squeezing her hand.

Biting down on her lip once again, Debbie eventually admitted:

“Lou’s gone and the loft’s been quiet and I haven’t been anywhere alone and quiet or without Lou in years.”

And just the memory of the quiet loft in the morning had her lose the fight against the tears again and she was so over that really, but couldn’t help it and her annoyance with herself only made her cry worse and what kind of mess was she? But then Tammy pulled her into her arms and gently guided her head to rest against her chest before her hands ran up and down her back and for the first time today Debbie felt like maybe, maybe, she’d be able to eventually snap out of this.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! And again, comments make my day!


	3. Every demon wants it’s pound of flesh (but I like to keep some things to myself)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for the amazing feedback and comments! Seriously, I love every single one of them! 
> 
> The next chapter probably won’t be up until next week because this lesbian is going to ClexaCon this weekend! I might end up stuck on train rides or in the airport though, so maybe maybe I will find time for an update but I just can’t promise anything.

_3\. Every demon wants its pound of flesh (but I like to keep some things to myself_

What Lou hadn’t taken into consideration when she had done all that reading on the beauty of the California coastline and decided on this trip, was that she lived all the way on the other side of the country. Which, really, it wasn’t that she’d actually missed that fact as much as she simply hadn’t given it enough thought.

She had been driving for almost 8 hours today already, stopping only for food and a bathroom break and every bone in her body hurt. Taking the interstate surely got her towards the west coast the fastest but it was only day one of at least five and all she could think was _at_ _what_ _cost_?

She hated driving her bike on the interstate. Endless straight roads were every biker’s nightmare.

Maybe she should’ve just gotten on a plane. She could’ve bought a new bike once in California, she had the money after all.

But if she was honest with herself she knew she wouldn’t have done it anyway. This was her bike. It wasn’t the newest model but she had invested so much time and money in it, changing so many parts that from a technical standpoint it was as good as new. More importantly she knew its driving qualities inside out and although some might not believe it, Lou wasn’t particularly fond of risks and definitely not if they were unnecessary. Why get accustomed to the feeling of a new bike, spending half of the trip being annoyed with its driving characteristics when she didn’t have to?

 

_Because_ _then_ _at_ _least_ _you_ _wouldn’t_ _have_ _to_ _spend_ _5_ _days_ _on_ _the_ _interstate_. With a huff she set her turning signal and got off at the next exit. If she couldn’t stretch out her left leg in the next ten minutes she was sure it would fall off.

Galion, Ohio read the signs. Lou didn’t have any particular memories about Ohio. She had been in Cleveland once, but that was about it. Not that she cared much now. She needed to get off her bike, stretch her legs and maybe lay down for a while. She wasn’t too far from 50 these days and even if she didn’t like to admit it, right now she definitely felt it.

 

When eventually she plopped down on the bed in a basic motel room a deep sigh escaped her lips as her muscles relaxed and she felt the tension in them ease bit by bit. She was exhausted. A glance towards the alarm clock on the nightstand showed 5pm, which was early still but late enough to call it a day for driving. She hadn’t been driving this long in ages, it was probably only fair that her body would remind her of that.

 

Rolling onto her side, she drew her legs up to her stomach and closed her eyes. The alarm clock was ticking away, the occasional car would pass by outside, in some adjacent room a shower was running. The room smelled of old carpet and laundry detergent. Nothing felt like her bedroom back at the loft and it was everything Lou had hoped for.

Sure, leaving the house in the morning her eyes had been glued to Tammy’s bedroom door where Debbie had sought refuge the day before. Lou knew, because she had intended to say goodbye only to find Debbie’s room empty and Tammy’s had been the only logical conclusion. She hadn’t said goodbye in the end. It would’ve only ended with tears and this incredibly sad look in Debbie’s eyes and Lou would’ve questioned the whole thing once again.

No, she needed this trip, needed the time alone and the motel room’s smell and noises engulfing her now, laying themselves over her senses like a welcome old blanket proved that.

 

It was strange, how in all the time Debbie had been in prison Lou had wished nothing more than to have her back, yet now that she was she had increasingly felt the need to be away from her. Which she had failed gloriously at over the past months. During the preparations for the heist she of course couldn’t just get up and leave, but weeks had passed since then where she could have walked away hundreds of times. She could’ve chosen to not spend evenings tangled up on the couch watching reality show marathons or Daphne’s movies. She could’ve not joined in every time the girls, and Debbie, decided to go clubbing. Basically she could have chosen every day to not spend her whole time around Debbie and yet she hadn’t. Because as much as the old pain of being left, of being cut out of Debbie’s life as if she meant nothing, exchanged for someone like Claude Becker, still hurt, part of Lou was drawn to Debbie like a moth to a flame. Because although Debbie had caused a few of her own, her presence had always healed so many of Lou’s wounds. Lou craved that feeling of being understood in a way no one else had ever been able to understand her, that came with being with Debbie. And so she hadn’t walked away even for only a day. Another point on her seemingly never ending list of self-destructive behavior. Because ever since she had picked Debbie up from the cemetery, being with her also had this carousel of doubt, anger and self-hatred turning unstoppably in her stomach, reminding her that things were indeed not fine.

And the more time had passed, the more Lou had realized that if she ever wanted to truly feel whole around Debbie again, ever wanted to be able to revel again in the feeling of safety and understanding that made being with her so addictive, she needed this carousel to stop. And she couldn’t achieve that if she didn’t bring some distance between her and Debbie first.

 

Lou didn’t know how exactly to stop the carousel. In fact, she had no idea. The only thing she knew was that physical distance between them had to be the first step. It had been Constance, actually, who had brought it back to Lou’s attention that Debbie was indeed still on parole and not allowed to leave the state when she had teased Debbie for not being able to come to that “SUPER BIG” concert (of an artist no one but Constance knew) in Boston. So leaving the state was what Lou had chosen to do and now here she was, somewhere in Ohio, exhausted and not as elated at having finally started this journey as she had hoped. Her mind was still somewhat hung up on the conversation of the night before. The way Debbie’s face fell when she had realized Lou wanted to leave, it had almost crumbled Lou’s resolve. If Debbie had asked, if Debbie had said anything even just remotely close to “Stay”, Lou was pretty sure she would have. But Debbie hadn’t and deep down Lou had know she wouldn’t because Debbie was Debbie and Lou was Lou and they had always been so fucking bad at saying the things they actually wanted to say.

Lou sighed, tucking her knees closer to her chest to soothe an ache in her back. This trip was so not starting out the way she had intended it to...

 

 

In the end, she actually fell asleep for a couple of hours, physical exhaustion getting the better of her. She woke again when the sun was already setting.

_Well_ _fuck_.

With a deep yawn she sat up, stretching her arms above her head. Lou couldn’t remember the last time she had fallen asleep this easily, but this nap would completely destroy her already messed up sleep schedule. Well at least she felt somewhat rested, which had become an increasingly rare experience in the past years, medication or no medication.

Getting up, her limbs still felt somewhat heavy but in a good way. In a way that already had her yearning to get back on the road again tomorrow. Now there was the road trip spirit she had been hoping for ever since she’d left! Smiling and then immediately shaking her head at herself, her gaze drifted over to the alarm clock. 9:30pm. Might as well get a drink somewhere.

 

Having changed into black pants and a simple band shirt, because no way she was going to ruin any of her suits by trying to fold them into the tiny bag that fit onto her bike, she sat down at the bar in the local pub. Apparently there was only one. It was a nice one though, fairly crowed too, but maybe that came with it being the only place to drink around here. Lou ordered a glass of whiskey that wasn't even half bad and gingerly sipped on it. The alcohol burned pleasantly in her throat and warmth spread through her stomach. Music was blaring from the speakers loud enough to drown out people's conversations if you didn't listen intently. Lou swirled the amber liquid in her glass, watching the group of women sat on the other side of the bar. They were probably 20 years younger than her. A number of empty shot glasses had accumulated in front of them already and they were talking excitedly apparently enjoying their evening.

Lou smiled to herself, taking another sip from her own glass, remembering times when those women had been Debbie, Tammy and her, high on the success of a job. Those had been good times. Not perfect, when was something ever perfect?, but close enough, at the time anyway.

Someone slid onto the stool next to her and when Lou looked up she met fiery grey eyes framed with dark eyeliner.

 

"Hey," the woman said, putting down an already empty martini glass and leaning in just a tiny bit closer than necessary.

"I'm Eva", the woman continued, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Lou," she replied, deciding that there was really no reason for a fake name. She didn't intend to run any con on the whole of this trip, her newly acquired wealth not even tempting her to cheat her way out of her bills.

"Nice to meet you Lou. You're not from around here, are you?"

Eva was pretty, Lou wasn’t blind. Dark blonde hair fell easily until her hips, her eyes, although the most unusually light color Lou had ever seen, were kind and Lou liked the tone of her voice.

She eventually shook her head in reply to Eva's question, pulling herself away from her looks.

"No, I'm just on my way through."

"Where are you headed then?"

"The west coast."

"Oh wow. Thats’s quote drive ahead of you then."

Lou merely nodded, a smile somehow fixing itself on her lips despite herself.

 

Eva meanwhile caught the attention of the barkeeper and ordered another Martini.

"Do you want another one of those?", she asked and gestured toward Lou's nearly empty glass. Lou was tempted to say yes, just because she felt content and the whiskey tasted good and Eva seemed interesting enough, but eventually the rational side of her brain won. Alcohol didn't mix too well with her pills. She had already messed up her sleep schedule with that nap earlier and she really wanted to get back on the road tomorrow and not be knocked out till noon.

So she shook her head no.

"Not a huge drinker, huh?"

"Like you said, I have quite the drive ahead of me."

She emptied the last of her whiskey and savored the taste. If she had learned anything in the past five years, it was that alcohol tasted decidedly better when you weren’t actually drunk.

"So, Eva, are you from around here?", Lou asked, genuinely enjoying talking to the other woman.

"Kind of, yes. I was born two towns over. I'm on my way back to Cleveland from visiting the family but I needed a night to drink in peace first."

Lou raised an eyebrow.

“That sounds like your family is a handful.”

“Oh they definitely are.” Eva rolled her eyes and flicked her hair back over her shoulder with a practiced gesture, “Every time I visit, I ask myself again why I’m doing it. And then 6 months later, I’m back again. I’m pretty sure that nails the definition of insanity.”

Lou chuckled at Eva’s demeanor.

“Well now I’m intrigued, tell me more.”

 

They kept talking for quite a while. Eva was nice and conversation flowed easily. Lou liked the way she told stories and she had some hilarious ones to tell. Eva didn’t seem to mind that Lou didn’t say much about herself apart from her plans for California.

When the clocked neared midnight they agreed that they probably should head home, both of them having to get back on the road in the morning. They stepped out into a warm summer night and Lou took a deep breath after the humid sweaty warmth of the pub.

 

When Lou turned to meet Eva’s gaze she realized she was closer than expected. Her eyes catching the streetlights turned into the most unusual color and were firmly fixed on Lou.

“Good Night, Eva. It was nice meeting you.”

Eva stepped another step closer and Lou closed her eyes for the briefest of moments, when Eva said:

“Can I kiss you?”

Lou felt warm breath tickling her skin, but when she opened her eyes to meet Eva’s gaze before answering, her voice was quiet but firm.

“I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

“I almost thought so.”

There was no disappointment in her voice and the smile on her lips didn’t waver.

“Good Nigh then, Lou.”, she said and leaned in, pressing a kiss to Lou’s cheek before stepping away, turning and waving once as she walked down the sidewalk in the opposite direction of Lou’s motel.

 

Lou shook her head once and smiled before she started on the walk back to the motel. It wasn’t far and she breathed in deeply the clear night air. Stars were shining brightly above her coloring the dark sky with an infinite number of bright tiny dots. The light breeze blew a few strands of hair in her face and she spun around herself once while brushing them out of her eyes. The motion made her feel childishly free and her steps grew lighter, as she repeated it and kept spinning in circles every few steps, simply because she could. A feeling she would tentatively call happiness grew in her chest and with a smile and another spin Lou realized that the carousel of worry in her stomach, that had been prominent even in Debbie’s physical absence, had slowed down to a mere lazy creeping for the moment.

 

Laying in bed that night, Lou held on to that feeling of maybe-happiness as she stared at the ceiling waiting for her sleeping pill to kick in.


	4. I'm always dragging that horse around (all of its questions such a mournful sound)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back from ClexaCon and London. Thank you everyone for being patient and also for all your lovely comments on the last chapter!

_4\. I‘m always dragging that horse around (all of his questions such a mournful sound)_

When Debbie woke up, bright sunlight warmed her skin. She kept her eyes closed and moved her face towards the warmth, reveling in the gentle sensation. Music played somewhere, just loud enough for her to hear it but not to make out the song. She could hear birds chirping from where a window must have been left open for the morning breeze to get in. There were footsteps and rustling downstairs. Debbie stretched languidly, feeling after the tingling sensation of relaxation.

It was day three she was spending at Tammy’s place and it was like someone had handed her an off-switch for all her problems. Or most of them anyway. After that first evening she had spent crying and falling apart, Debbie had been hesitant about the whole arrangement. She hated being vulnerable like that, but she hadn’t been able to help it. But Tammy, the amazing person she was, had just welcomed her with a smile and waffles for breakfast the next morning and slowly but steadily Debbie’s reservations had fallen away.

She felt so much better, her mind at ease in a way it hadn’t been in a very long time, that not even the dent this admission of weakness had left in her pride could drive her to give up the peace just yet. With two kids, three adults, a dog and the housekeeper the house was never quiet and even if everyone except her and Tammy was out in the mornings, there would still be the dog pawing over the hardwood floor in search for the perfect place to nap- and the music Tammy always had playing. Debbie hadn’t brought herself to ask if that was a habit of hers anyway or if she had taken it up because Debbie had admitted that silence triggered her anxiety. 

 

When eventually the light in the room changed as a cloud momentarily hid the sun, Debbie reluctantly disentangled herself from the sheets. A hot shower and some fresh clothes later, she padded downstairs and into the kitchen in the ridiculous but undeniably comfy slippers Tammy had insisted on wearing in the house.  Entering the kitchen she eventually recognized the song playing currently. She wasn’t sure about the title but it was definitely Stevie Nicks singing. Lou had a love for Fleetwood Mac and so Debbie had heard an abundance of it over the years. Her first stop was the coffee machine and while that ground the beans she followed her nose toward the delicious smell coming from the oven. Whatever it was: cake or pie or cookies or something of that sort, it smelled delicious.

 

“Don’t you dare open that, it’ll ruin the whole thing!”

Tammy’s voice suddenly behind her had Debbie turning on her heel.

“I wasn’t about to,” she defended herself holding her hands up in mock surrender but received only a raised eyebrow in reply, before Tammy turned to continue what she had been doing, which was apparently watering the plants on the windowsill.

If Debbie had to choose, that was probably one of her favorite characteristics of the blonde: Tammy just dropped topics. It wasn’t that she forgot about them or deemed them unimportant, on the contrary she often remembered the most minute details. But she had that ability of always knowing exactly when it was the right time to keep asking question and when it wasn’t and okay, little quarrels like this were genuinely irrelevant but still the notion applied. 

 

Debbie returned to her now finished cup of coffee and took a sip, closing her eyes as she enjoyed the taste of the bitter liquid.

“You know,” she said, taking another sip, “I wonder how people ever thought coffee was a good idea. No one likes it when they first drink it and yet almost everyone ends up basically addicted.”

Tammy put the watering can down and studied her with a look of disbelief, before her lips curled into a grin and she shook her head, heading towards a cupboard to take out a cup for herself. 

“I have known you for three decades now, Debbie, and sometimes you still surprise me.” Her voice was a mixture of amusement and fondness and Debbie couldn’t deny that she loved that she elicited it in Tammy. She was Debbie’s oldest friend after all, going all the way back to highschool.

“What, so my musings over the taste of coffee are surprising? Planning the jewel heist of this century wasn’t or what?” She teased.

Tammy shooed her away from where she had been leaning against the counter to get access to the coffee machine, before replying in the calmest of voice:

”Yeah, no it really wasn’t.”

Debbie actually laughed.

 

Oh how she had hated Tammy at first. A friend had brought the blonde along to a house party almost exactly 30 years ago. She was almost three years younger than them, but had skipped a grade. Being from a nice middle class family, bright and ambitious with a vision for college, Tammy had embodied everything Debbie usually despised in people. But then she had been among the last people to leave, playing along with the inevitable game of Never have I ever someone always proposed whenever a party got down to the last 10 people. The blonde had surprised Debbie, not only with the things she learned about her in that game but especially with her witty remarks whenever someone would tease her for having drunken to something. 

So when Tammy kept coming to parties and beach hangouts Debbie hadn’t objected and once they got talking she had quickly realized how wrong her first impression of her had been. Eventually Debbie had decided that Tammy’s intelligence and people skills were valuable enough to risk telling her the truth about how her family paid their bills and how most of her own stuff wasn’t exactly legally purchased either while at the same time asking her if she’d be interested in working together to get some extra cash. It could have all ended there but then 16-year-old Tammy had more criminal energy than anyone would have thought her capable of and thus had begun a decade long friendship. 

 

“What are you thinking about?”

Tammy’s question brought her back from that trip down memory lane.

“Nothing important, really.”

Tammy studied her intensely for a moment before she simply nodded. 

“I wanna look at your wrists again later, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Debbie took another sip of coffee, picking at the bandage still wrapped around her wrists. She really didn’t think too much of the scratches, but Tammy insisted on taking proper care of them and Debbie didn’t see the point in resisting.

“When will Hank be back?” She asked remembering that there had been some talk about lunch the previous day.

“I don’t know. Probably not until tonight after all. But he also mentioned he might be called away to Seattle so what do I know?” Tammy shrugged nonchalantly. 

 

The Hank-Situation was a strange one. Objectively there was nothing all too weird for an old friend of Tammy’s to stay with them for a while. Tammy hadn’t told him any details and Debbie had hardly seen the guy anyway since he was working so much. And while it was a necessity to keep their recent activities concerning the MET silent, Debbie was pretty sure Tammy hadn’t actually told him anything about the past they shared. She doubted he’d be quite as indifferent to her presence at the dinner table if he knew that for a couple of years she’d shared a bed with his wife. Which, it was a good thing he didn’t know probably but it made Debbie question how much else he didn’t know about Tammy. 

 

She asked that question that evening when indeed instead of coming home, Hank had sent a text that he needed to go to Seattle for a couple of days. 

“Does he know anything of who you are?”

“You mean a criminal?” Tammy’s sarcastic remark came over the opening plopp of a bottle of red wine.

Debbie only nodded though.

“Yeah. I mean, what does he think you do? You have that sociology degree but you’ve been a damn good criminal for most of your professional career.”

Tammy wordlessly handed her a filled glass and took a sip from her own before answering.

“I couldn’t very well tell him that though, could I? He knows I traveled a lot. He knows we’ve known each other for ages. He knows Lou, too, from when she visited after the kids were born. But I really couldn’t tell him what we’d been up to. So you’ve always just been old friends and to be honest he never asked any further anyway.”

This time Debbie took her time studying Tammy. She seemed unfazed by what she had said, but the way she was emptying her glass far too quickly, Debbie knew there was more to it. 

“Why did you marry him?”

“Deb!” Tammy shot her a look of disbelief that clearly communicated  _Why would you even say that?_

“I’m just asking!” She defended herself, knowing she had hit a sore spot.

Tammy emptied her glass and ran nervous fingers through her hair, staying silent for so long Debbie almost didn’t expect an answer any more.

 

“I think in the end I married him because he asked.”

Tammy lifted her head and met Debbie’s gaze.

“That’s what you wanted to hear, isn’t it? I married him because he asked. He was nice and I liked him and he asked. And so I said yes.”

“Do you love him?”

“No.- But he’s a good man. A great father. And yeah he works a lot but when he’s around he’s actually easy to talk to. He’s nice.”

She averted her eyes and shrugged before pouring herself another glass of wine.

Debbie tried to find out if Tammy was just acting tough or if she really was fine with what she’d just admitted to. It sounded horrendous to Debbie’s ears. The guy at the grocery store checkout was nice, that didn’t mean she’d marry him if he asked.

As intently as she stared at her friend though, Debbie couldn’t read her mind and had to resort to asking, carefully:

“And that’s enough for you?”

 

This time when Tammy looked up to meet her eyes, she saw the blonde’s brimming with tears.

“Seriously, _you_ ’re asking that question?”

“Tammy...,” she sighed, knowing exactly what she was referencing.

“No! No, don’t sigh at me like that. I get that you fell for Lou. I get that I never had a chance once she entered the picture. And yet I stayed, for years, after we stopped being a thing. And because how could anyone not fucking love Lou? But while you had each other I was always left the third wheel. So excuse me for enjoying Hank’s attention when I got it.”

She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly and when she turned to look at Debbie again, her expression was soft and calm again, albeit a little melancholic.

“I wanted out then and I stand by that decision. Hank just entered the picture at the right time. What we have is good. And as of now, yeah, it’s enough.”

 

“Okay.”, Debbie replied apologetically and reached for Tammy’s hand. She got a smile in return as Tammy let her intertwine their fingers. 

“Does he love you?”

“Maybe. He did once. We don’t talk much about it. And before you ask that too, yes we have sex still and it’s fun. I’m good, Debbie, I really am, even if you don’t understand my life choices at all.”

“I don’t. But if you’re happy, that’s what matters.”

They locked eyes and a smile passed between them. Debbie really didn’t know how she had managed to hold onto someone as brilliant as Tammy for all those years without her getting sick of her, but she was incredibly thankful for it.  

...

With Hank gone, Tammy got increasingly busy with keeping the kids occupied especially in the evenings when he had usually been around at least for an hour before bedtime and the kids hung at his lips, sucking up what little time they had with their dad. Debbie had taken to explore the neighborhood on walks, which was- something. In other circumstances it would have been the exact kind of neighborhood Debbie would sniff out to find a wealthy target whose bank account she could help lighten of its burden. 

 

Tonight Debbie sat on the bed in the guest room and flicked through the pages of a coffee-table book about Alaska that she had found on one of the shelves. It wasn't that she had a particular interest in Alaska, but the pictures were pretty. 

From the other side of the hallway she could just make out Tammy’s voice reading the kids a good night story. It was the last day of school before summer for them and they had fought forever before eventually being persuaded to go to bed. So when half an hour later, Tammy voicelessly entered the room, plopped herself down on the bed next to her and let her back hit the mattress with a sigh, Debbie smiled compassionately.

“Kids are so great, aren’t they?” she remarked teasingly and got a raised middlefinger in reply before Tammy propped herself up on one elbow.

“You know, it’s been a week. While you’re staying here, why don’t you play your part in this household, _Auntie Debbie_?”

“I’m pretty sure they’re afraid of me,” Debbie said only half jokingly and flicked another page in the book.

“They adore you!” Tammy dissented, before her voice changed tone and Debbie felt her skin tingling with the anticipation of questions she didn’t know she’d be able to answer just yet.

“The only reason they haven’t been all over you is because I’ve constantly told them ‘Auntie Debbie is quite sad right now and needs to feel better before she can play with you’. And let me tell you, it still wasn’t easy to keep them from trying to comfort you by plastering themselves in your lap. I wasn’t sure if you’d appreciate that.”

 

That was not the answer Debbie had been expecting and, hands shaking slightly with sudden emotion, she put the book aside to focus on the conversation.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes. I know you’re not a fan of children, but apparently mine take a lot after their mother and are enamored with tight lipped, witty criminals.”

The smile on her lips was so open and honest Debbie had to bite her lip to keep emotions from spilling over. She had never been a motherly type, would never be, but that Tammy’s children apparently liked her made her feel all sorts of emotions she couldn’t place and was weirdly overwhelmed with.

 

“Well- tell them... Tell them that I actually wouldn’t mind if they’d be all over me. Sometimes.”

Tammy laughed and nodded but her eyes were serious.

“Okay.” 

There was a moment of silence before she spoke again and this time it was the question Debbie didn’t want to deal with.

“Tell me what’s going on with you?”

Her voice was gentle and non-accusing. Debbie knew she could say no and Tammy wouldn’t push, for now. She was indeed very tempted to say no. But it wasn’t fair. Tammy had taken her in, had let her into her home, into her family’s life without a question. She owed her some answers. 

But she couldn’t talk about prison. Simply couldn’t. Her stomach clenched painfully as at the simple thought, hundreds of images played out in front of her inner eye as one dark grey Diashow of horror. 

She shook her head, forcing her eyes to focus on Tammy in front of her instead. Tammy who looked at her with soft, questioning eyes.

“I-“, she began before breaking off, swallowing heavily and then one word tumbled from her lips, “Lou.”

 

There was immediate understanding in Tammy’s eyes that almost scared Debbie, making her question if she knew more than Debbie had thought.

“She’s gone on her road trip.”, Tammy said and then on the next breath, “You miss her.”

Debbie nodded silently. 

“Have you- Did you ever talk about what happened six years ago?”

“Not- exactly.”

“So no.”

A heavy sigh left Debbie’s lips. Why deny it?

“No.”

“Why not?”

 

It wasn’t like Lou was an easier topic to talk about but Tammy’s gently prodding questions had a way of making Debbie want to talk. Which, why would they? It had to be the fucking magic of knowing each other for longer than was probably healthy.

With another sigh, Debbie eventually met Tammy’s eyes again. 

 

“We seemed fine enough. And that was the point. We just, went on like before and acted like the last six years never happened.”

“That’s-“ Tammy broke off and Debbie was pretty sure the sentence would have gone on something like ‘so incredibly stupid’, which, she guessed, was true. 

“A whole lot happened in those six years,” Tammy said instead. 

“Yeah, and don’t I know it, hiding out in your guest room.” 

Debbie rolled her eyes, annoyed more with herself and her emotions than with the blonde’s answer.

“I’m- Lou didn’t have the easiest of times when you were gone.”

That strung a chord in Debbie and she sat up straighter.

“What happened?”

Tammy visibly struggled, trying to work out an answer, clearly regretting having started on that topic.

“It’s really not my place to tell you that, Debbie, I’m sorry. I shouldn't have said it.” She gave Debbie an apologetic look, “I just really think you need to talk to her. You two, you - You still love each other, don’t you?”

Debbie could only shrug her shoulders, pushing her hair off them irritatedly. 

“How would I know? Tammy, I fucked up. I left her for Claude and I really fucked up. The evening before she left for California - I know she wanted- She deserves an apology. Maybe she wouldn’t have left, if I-”

She ran her hands through her hair and then dropped them back into her lap, “But I can’t, Tammy, I can’t-“

 

“Stop!”

Tammy’s hands suddenly caught hers, holding them in a firm grip where she had apparently been scratching at her newly healed wrists again.

Debbie rolled her eyes, this time seriously annoyed. She didn’t care about her stupid wrists! With her hands caught in Tammy’s, unable to get rid of the tension building inside, she felt tingly and uncomfortable, a shudder running down her spine. 

“Tammy, let go of me!”

Tammy’s expression was compassionate, but serious, when she said, “I will, if you don’t scratch.”

“Tammy, you don’t understand-“

“I do.”, she interrupted, piercing her, a knowing flicker in her eyes that Debbie couldn’t really put her finger on.

 

The sudden whistle she let out then caught Debbie off guard and had her flinching. Immediately there was the sound of paws moving over wooden floors.

“Dino, come here.”, Tammy called to the dog, when it appeared in the doorway.

With a wagging tail, Dino the black lab jumped onto the bed, plastered himself between the both of them and wriggled around until he found a comfortable position eventually, resting his head against Debbie’s thigh sighing contently. 

“Scratch Dino instead.”, Tammy said and guided Debbie’s hands into the dog’s fur.

Debbie was just about to say how ridiculous this was but Tammy’s no-nonsense look, the very same she gave the kids when they tried to argue about bedtime again, had her swallow down the words and she obediently ran her fingers through the soft fur, scratching the dog’s head.

 

“You know he won’t always be around. I’m not exactly planning on getting a dog at the loft,” Debbie said quietly, but the tension that had built in her body eased slowly as she ran her fingers repeatedly through silky black fur.

“I know.”, Tammy replied equally quiet, “We’ll come up with something better eventually, but for now Dino will do.”

The tiniest smile fought its way to Debbie’s lips when Dino moved his head to fully place it in her lap, apparently enjoying the attention.

Debbie could feel Tammy’s eyes on her, but she refused to look up, focusing instead on the warm animal’s body against hers.

 

“Do you regret leaving with Claude? Would you do things differently if you could?” Tammy carefully returned to the core conversation, for her part running her fingers over Dino’s side.

“I can't though, can I?”

Debbie could see Tammy shaking her head out of the corner of her eye. It wasn’t the answer Tammy wanted, she knew that, but it was all the answer Debbie could give. And it was pathetic that the words ‘I have never regretted anything more in my life’ wouldn’t come over her lips, but that was the way her mind worked. It was like there was a brick wall preventing her from saying those words out loud, a brick wall that bore her father's handwriting and it didn't even matter how deeply she felt that regret.

“Debbie, if you ever want to save what you and Lou have, I think you will eventually have to say you’re sorry. And I know there's so much more to it, I have no idea about and it's not my place to judge. But- I don't think you'll survive this if you don't tell her you regret Becker. And I know you do.”

It still wasn't an accusation. Tammy's voice was soft but stern and Debbie knew she was right. It didn't make things easier though.  She dug her fingers deeper into black fur, remaining silent. It wasn’t like she didn’t know it, but hearing it like this from Tammy, who of all people she _knew_ always wanted her best, made her stomach clench once again.

“Deb?” Tammy’s voice was gentle and made Debbie raise her head eventually to meet her eyes.

“I know you’re so much bigger than what your father drilled into you. You’ve always been. Back when I first met you and you still lived with him and so much more so today.”

Tears welled up in Debbie’s eyes, as she stared at Tammy, when suddenly little footsteps padded down the hall and Emma appeared in the doorway.

“Mommy I can’t sleep!”

Tammy gave Debbie a last smile, before getting up and picking up her little girl. 

“Let’s get you back into bed first and then we’ll see what we can do about that.”

Debbie’s eyes fell closed and she buried her fingers deep in Dino’s fur, willing her mind to stop racing and her heartbeat to calm back down. She wasn’t ready to face those particular demons tonight.


	5. Looking for heaven (found the devil in me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so disclaimers first: I have never been to the US. I have never been to any of these locations mentioned. I am merely going off Google Maps, Images and Streetview and letting my imagination do the rest. I’m sorry if anyone of you lives in California and is offended by how far off this description is.  
> This chapter has taken me forever to write, forever to re-write and I’m still not really liking it. I don’t know. But today is an update day if I try to return to my 3-day schedule and I had this written (btw it’s the last chapter I currently have completely written so it might well be the next update is gonna take a while longer, I’m sorry), and so this is me saying ‘fuck it’ and posting it like I would with an essay 5 minutes before the deadline (it’s literally 11.55pm here...).  
> With the way I feel about this chapter, I’d be especially happy if you left a short comment saying if you loved or hated it! And also whoever finds the reference to an old fandom of mine gets a cookie xD  
>  **trigger warnings:** mentions of childhood abuse

_5_. _Looking_ _for_ _heaven_ , _found_ _the_ _devil_ _in_ _me_

 

In the end it had taken her a full 8 days to get to California what with the day three decision of ‘ _to_ _hell_ _with_ _the_ _interstate_ ’, but Lou didn’t mind. She wasn’t on the run and she had actually seen some amazing scenery she would have missed otherwise. Also while the plan had always been to go down the coastline and end up in San Francisco eventually, when she had gotten a text from an old friend who just happened to live in San Francisco now, Lou had decided she might just as well go there first.

 

Leah had worked as her right hand woman at the club for almost two years until she had moved coasts last winter. In contrast to Lou she had actually gone to college and never set foot into a criminal lifestyle, at least before they met, and had quickly proved invaluable in helping her manage the club’s business and legal matters. At the same time she hadn’t been opposed to Lou’s little vodka-water scheme and the additional money that came from it, so their partnership had really worked out well.

They had been keeping in contact after she’d moved to California, but Lou had still been surprised when upon mentioning she was on the way to the west coast Leah had immediately offered for her to stay with her, to reunite and show her around the city.

It had been a great few days and when they said goodbye eventually, Lou actually meant it when she said she’d miss her. But she was also eager to get back on the road. The best part, the part she had been dreaming of for so long still lay ahead of her.

 

Once she was out of the city traffic, her first stop was Muir Beach. It had taken her a ridiculous 2 hours for the 17 mile drive because there had been some sort of accident and the road had been closed until that was dealt with. The Golden Gate Bridge was really only half as great an experience when you were stuck in traffic on it.

Now she parked her bike at a roadside parking bay that overlooked the coast and just stood there and stared at its beauty. It was even more breathtaking than the pictures in the magazines she had been looking at for the past year. It was only when a truck sped past her with a volume that made her jump, that she was able to take her eyes off the view. A smile still plastered securely onto her lips, she put her helmet back on to drive down into town, find a secure parking spot and finally get her feet into some sand and ocean water.

...

The beach was heavenly. Lou had stopped at a little diner to grab a bite to eat after she had realized how starved she was from those hours in traffic. When she had mentioned to the elderly lady behind the counter that she was just passing through, stopping to go see the beach, she had generously offered to keep Lou’s sparse luggage safe. Lou was glad for it, leaving her bag, heavy leather outfit, the boots and helmet with Mrs Lucas.

As she now walked barefoot through warm sand towards the water, she couldn’t chase the smile from her lips. Her gaze wandered over the seemingly endless width of the water, the sun making it glitter as if diamond dust were sprinkled all over it. Lou took a deep breath that filled her lungs with salty ocean air. There were beaches in New York, sure, but for her nothing came close to the experience of the Pacific Coast. It was probably the Australian in her.

 

Thinking of Australia with her eyes glued to the water, memories of her childhood home came to her that she hadn’t thought of in what were probably decades. She actually had to count back how long ago she had left her home country. 25 years. It had been 25 years since she sat foot on Australian soil, yet standing here, staring at the Pacific Ocean, waves crashing with almost calming regularity, the memories of her childhood spent at the sea were almost as clear as her memory of yesterday.

Growing up in a coastal small town, the ocean never more than 10 minutes away, the sound of waves had been the soundtrack of Lou’s childhood. And while there were so many parts of that she never wanted to recall, ever, because they entailed so much hurt that she would probably never completely recover from, the ocean itself had always been a calming entity.

That and her mom. She had to bite her lip at the sudden emotional response to the memory and the image of Elizabeth Miller in front of her inner eye. But instead of running from it, this time she simply let the feelings come. Let them rush over her. She felt tears collecting in her eyes and a heavy lump in her throat but for once she didn’t fight them. She just kept breathing, her eyesfixed on the water.

 

Lou didn’t think of her mom very often, because although she had loved her very much, the memory of her was too closely interlinked with that of her father and all the damage he had done. But right now, she reveled in memories of her beautiful, beautiful mother. Her mother who had always done everything in her power to make Lou feel loved. She remembered a day, a school day, spent at the beach promenade with her. Lou was sporting a huge bruise over her left shoulder blade and all the way down her side and had been refusing to go to school that morning, crying until her mom had finally promised to not make her go. Instead they had gone to the promenade, getting fries and then ice cream and sitting on one of the rock piers, dangling feet into water. Lou remembered her mom’s long blonde hair flying in the breeze, always getting stuck somewhere, but her mom laughingly refusing to cut it off. For all the time Lou knew her it had been down to almost her hips.

 

She probably looked a lot like her mom, Lou realized, reaching up to pluck a strand of her own blonde, albeit much shorter hair, from her eyes. Suddenly she felt the need to see a picture of her mom, to be able to actually _see_ her and not just the image in her memory. But Lou didn’t have one. Not here anyway. Maybe at home somewhere or maybe not.

 _Debbie_ _probably_ _has_ _one_ , her brain then supplied and Lou froze. She expected the old familiar nagging pain to set in again, because by now it was so closely connected to any thought of Debbie. But it didn’t, and so she kept hesitantly breathing. That feeling of being trapped and perpetually unsure of where she stood in the greater scheme of things _had_ to set in again, right? When it never did, Lou actually let out a laugh. There she was, afraid of her own thoughts. Oh the human mind really was a strange thing.

 

She shook her head and moved forward until she walked through the crashing waves, welcoming the cold water on her skin. Her thoughts inadvertently moved back to Debbie, now that the spiral into emotional doubt wouldn’t set in. Lou thought of the day she had shown her that one of the very few pictures she had of her mom. She didn’t remember how they had come to it, their conversations back in the day had weird ways of spiraling in all sorts of unexpected directions, but she remembered sitting on a bed, two boxes of keepsakes and photographs between them: one Debbie’s, one Lou’s own, and sharing bits and pieces of their past with each other. She remembered Debbie looking at the picture of her mom and saying something along the cheesy lines of ‘so it’s her I have to thank for having you in my life’ and Lou had laughed and offered that Debbie keep the photo then. Meant as a joke, Debbie had merely nodded and put the photo with the others in her own little box.

The box probably still sat on top of the dresser in Debbie’s room at the loft, where Lou had put it when she had moved Debbie’s stuff from their old apartment. And knowing Debbie, the photo was probably still in there, too.

 

She missed Debbie. The realization hit her unexpectedly. It hadn’t even been two weeks. She had felt trapped with the tension between them for months and yet already she was missing the stubborn brunette. Great. She shook her head again, determined to not start pondering over things beyond her control. Instead she would acknowledge the dull longing in her chest and just keep walking through sand and water, eyes fixed on the ocean that was right in front of her.

...

After spending most of the afternoon in Muir Beach, walking along the beach and cliff side paths, having another meal at Mrs Lucas’s diner, Lou had eventually gotten back on her bike.

She had looked over the map while eating and tried to decide how far to go and where to stay the night. Once Mrs Lucas had seen her hunched over it, she had immediately insisted that Lou ‘absolutely had to spent a couple of days exploring the Point Reyes National Seashore’. It was about an hours drive, which was nothing, and so Lou had finished her food, finished too the dessert Mrs Lucas unsolicitedly had set in front of her and then eventually gathered her things.

 

She had decided to look for a place to stay around Inverness Park and ended up in a cute little Bed and Breakfast that even looked out towards the ocean. The area was beautiful. There was no other way to say it. Lou hadn’t known how much city life had weighed her down until she had gotten away from it. The trip over from the East coast had been somewhat exhausting yes, but it was also freeing in a way she hadn’t experienced in a long time. Maybe since her and Debbie had decided on making New York their center of living. That had been some ten odd years ago. Before, they had always been on the road. Even back when they were still a trio and spend half of the year on campus in Portland where Tammy got her degree, they had spent summer and spring break on the road. They didn’t have the money for domestic flights, so they mostly went where their old Seat would take them: Vegas, LA, Seattle, San Diego. They had run all kinds of jobs, some more successful than others, but they made enough money off it for the three of them to live off it.

Lou liked living in New York, too. It was convenient mainly for the first couple of years and then she just got used to it. She never moved after Debbie went to prison. She never felt the need to and now with the club and the loft, she wouldn’t want to either. Still, she enjoyed every second of this trip. Of being on the road. She enjoyed seeing the ocean, breathing salty air, driving down long winding roads, only ever meeting the odd car. It was amazing. It was exactly what she needed.

 

The clock read 8pm when she had settled in at the B&B and decided to take a walk around the little town. There wasn’t much to see, really, but it was pretty nonetheless and she just enjoyed being outside. Somehow, she had come to heavily neglect that part of life over the past years, spending more and more time indoors. Lou made a mental note to try and keep up with the getting outside. Fresh air without a visor in the way actually felt pretty amazing. She walked once down the town’s main road until she inevitably found herself at the seafront again. Sitting down on a bench to just stare some more at the ocean, Lou startled when someone stepped into her line of sight.

 

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”, a female voice asked.

A young woman, maybe half Lou’s age smiled at her before gesturing towards the bench.

“May I sit?”

Lou was surprised only for a second before she shrugged.

“Sure.”

“I’m Vanessa.”

“Lou.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Lou,”

Lou merely smiled, unsure what to make of the situation.

“I see you’re visiting, do you like it around here so far?”

“I do.”

When Lou looked up to meet the other woman’s eyes, she found the redhead looking out towards the sea instead, not fazed in the least by this casual conversation with a complete stranger. It was somewhat intriguing.

“So, Vanessa, do you always talk to visiting strangers?”, she asked eventually, curiosity getting the best of her.

At this, Vanessa turned her head and smiled.

“Yes. I do, actually. If they’re traveling alone, that is.”

Lou’s brows furrowed.

“Don’t you think that might be a bad idea? Safety wise?”

“Probably,”, Vanessa shrugged, “but I have found that most people traveling by themself enjoy talking to nice random strangers in coastal towns. They seem to often be in search of something.”

That actually made Lou laugh, because wasn’t that true.

“What do you do, Vanessa?”

“I do youth work for St.Columbas church over in Inverness.”

Lou nodded slowly, the wheels in her head turning, a hundred thoughts suddenly springing to life.

“What kind of church is it?”, she then asked after a moment’s pause.

The question seemed to somewhat surprise the redhead but Lou was still immediately met with a smile.

“We’re an episcopal church. But really we’re open for everyone. Contrary to popular belief you don’t have to be a believer to go to church.”

 

Lou nodded again. She could feel Vanessa’s eyes on her but kept her own firmly focused on the horizon. Hours before, on another beach, memories of her mom had come back to her and now she met this woman who was working for a church. Was it really just coincidence? After years of not lending a second thought to the existence of a God, Lou was inclined to think so.

But maybe- just maybe- She was on a trip of self-discovery anyway, wasn’t she? So maybe this was a part about herself she could rediscover?

Slowly, very slowly, she asked:

“When do you have service tomorrow?”

This time she forced herself to meet Vanessa’s eyes and was greeted with a wide, open and honest smile that immediately eased the worry and tension that had crept up Lou’s back.

“At 10am. You are very welcome!”

Lou smiled in reply. Somehow she felt like a piece of her started tumbling into the right direction. She wasn’t committing. This might well be the only Sunday service she’d be attending for another 20 years, but it weirdly felt like the right thing to do for now.

 

For decades she had been occupied with so many things. First getting away from home and her father, then making enough money to get as far away from that one devastating night in Melbourne as humanly possible. She had come to the US and soon after Debbie, and Tammy, had entered the picture. And from then on she had rarely spared another thought for the remnants of the faith she had grown up with.

When Debbie went to prison and Lou had consequently all but fallen apart, it would have been a prime possibility to revisit it, but at the time she was hurting too much. Alcohol and drugs, although never too much of the latter, had seemed like the easier way. And they had been, until they hadn’t. And then Tammy, ever loving Tammy, had swooped back into her life with full force and literally dragged her out of the mud that had become her own mind.

And months of therapy and the right medication later and she had been feeling so much better, she once again didn’t spare a thought for God. Then came the one lucky job and then the club and the loft and Tammy had her second child and life fell into rhythm again.

Lou didn’t regret exactly. Yes she grew up Christian, but so much shit happened in her life, not even God could blame her for doubting him in the wake of it. Even if she hadn’t made too much of an effort in recent years, Jesus’s message was first and foremost love and forgiveness. Maybe that was what she needed? She’d just start by going to church this once and see how she felt.

 

“Is there any particular reason you’re visiting here?”, Vanessa asked and Lou was momentarily startled, so deep had she been in her own thoughts and memories.

“No. I’m here on my motorbike, going up the coastline. Someone down at Muir Beach said I had to explore the Seashore up here and I think she was right.”

Vanessa nodded enthusiastically.

“Absolutely! I think you will find it most beautiful here.”

Lou smiled.

“I think so, too.”

“You’re Australian, aren’t you? The accent? Did you grow up by the sea?”

“I am and yes I did.”

“Me too. Growing up here at the sea, I mean. I’ve been to college in Colorado and don’t get me wrong, mountains have their own appeal, but there’s nothing quite like living by the ocean.”

“Yeah.”, Lou agreed, smiling to herself at the young woman speaking the exact same thoughts she had earlier that same day.

 

“Nessa!”

Lou jumped at the sudden call from a male voice behind them, heart racing for a few long moments. Vanessa already rose to her feet and waved at the man waiting next to a red car a couple of yards away though.

“I have to go.”, she apologized, “Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow. Otherwise I hope you have a good time exploring the peninsula and I wish you a safe journey north.”

“Thank you!”, Lou replied and meant every syllable. They exchanged a last smile before Vanessa turned and walked towards the car. Lou heard it pull away, but was distracted when her phone buzzed.

“Tammy”, the notification read and Lou unlocked the screen to read the text.

“ _It’s been a while, I just wanted to check in if you got to California safely? The loft’s still standing, so is the club, Constance tells me. She’s a recent fan. Just let me know if you’re okay, yeah?”_

Lou smiled brightly at the message before quickly typing out a reply. When she had hit sent, a raindrop hit her nose and as she looked up a second, third and fourth fell onto her face. Without her noticing the sky had clouded over and the air had changed, a quick but heavy summer rain just about to start.

Lou got back to the B&B about 3 minutes too late and unlocked the door with a sigh, soaking wet but not entirely unhappy. The day had been an interesting one. Merely ending it with a nice warm shower and settling down with that book she’d bought in San Francisco sounded pretty damn good.


	6. I've been a fool and I've been blind. I could never leave the past behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A miracle has happened and I finished this chapter in time for update day. Debbie Ocean has been the biggest pain in my ass in this chapter. I am still not sure I got across what I wanted to get across but I'm sick of re-writing and I doubt it's doing any good at this point, so this is how it's gonna be. Let me know what you think of Debbie here?  
>  **trigger warnings:** anxiety and self-harm

_6\. I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind, I could never leave the past behind_

“Are you sure you’re gonna be okay?” 

Tammy had asked that exact question about 10 times already and it slowly got on Debbie’s nerves.

“I don’t know, Tammy! I don’t know, okay? But I won’t find out if I don’t try. You go ahead and go on your vacation, enjoy the time with your family. It’s only a week. I can live through that, even if I freak out. I’ve survived worse.”

“Debbie, that’s not-“

“I know it’s not. But it’s the truth. The kids have been dying to go on this Disneyland trip and I know you’re freaking excited, too! So go, have fun. I’ll check in. It’ll be fine!”

She could see Tammy taking a deep breath before she slowly nodded, her features softening as she accepted Debbie’s words.

 

Another week had passed that she had spent at Tammy’s and while it definitely didn’t magically cure her from all her problems, in a way it came pretty damn close. Once Tammy had told Emma and Jacob that they were allowed to ask Auntie Debbie to play with them, both children had basically been in her space 90% of the time they weren’t intensely occupied with something else. And Debbie had to admit that she kind of liked it. They had a way of taking her mind off things. 

Most importantly though, Jacob had gifted her with one of his stuffed animals: a little tiger, barely the size of her wallet. It had been one evening she had caught a glimpse of some kind of news report on the state of public schools’ gymnasiums where the camera panned over a common shower room. That short image was all it took for her to freeze in her tracks in the middle of the living room as it elicited a hundred memories of moldy neon-lit prison shower rooms and what happened in those that she desperately wanted to forget. 

Debbie didn’t know how Jacob knew, he must have seen and interpreted the expression of horror in her eyes correctly because he had tugged at her hand, told her ‘Don’t be scared. I have something for you, just wait a second’ and then raced around the house to return with that little tiger. 

“His name’s Diego and he protects you from all the scary monsters. I don’t need him anymore, because there are no actual monsters under my bad and Dino sleeps in front of it most of the time anyways, so you can have him.”, he had explained and it had taken Debbie every ounce of self control to not break out into tears right then and there. Instead she had crouched down to the boy’s height, taken the little tiger from his hands and then pulled him into the tightest hug. 

 

The tiger, it turned out, was the perfect coping technique for her wrist scratching problem whenever the tension got too much. Debbie didn’t know what exactly it was but the way the filling felt and rustled when she squeezed it in her hand was just perfect. It was ridiculous really, but it worked and Tammy had smiled widely when Debbie had reluctantly and somewhat self-consciously told her. 

“When I said we needed to find you a better coping mechanism, I didn’t think my son’d solve the problem, but would you look at that.”

Debbie had shook her head and shoved Tammy’s shoulder, but she proceeded to keep the little tiger in her pocket at all times and so maybe it was ridiculous but she felt better and that was really all that should matter.

 

So when the day came that Tammy and her family were scheduled to leave for their trip to Disneyland, a trip everyone including Tammy and even Hank, had been excited for, Debbie felt ready enough to move back into the loft.

She was scared shitless, sure, but she was ready to at least try, because she refused to ruin Tammy’s vacation plans. And anyway, if things went south she’d just have to call Amita or Constance, hell even Daphne made for good company. She would be fine. 

 

“Text when you’re back in the city, okay?”, Tammy said closing the Toyota’s passenger door after having lifted Debbie’s bag inside.

“I will. And you text when you’ve safely arrived in Florida, yeah?”

Tammy nodded and stepped close to engulf her in a tight hug. Debbie happily returned the embrace and breathed in deeply Tammy’s unique smell that, after 30 years and millions of memories associated with it, still managed to effectively make her feel safe and calm. 

“Thank you, for everything these past weeks.”, Debbie mumbled into blond hair.

“Of course. You’re always welcome. Whatever happens.”

She felt Tammy’s arms pull her ever so slightly closer and couldn’t help the smile forming on her lips.

 

“Auntie Debbie!!”

Before either of them could react, two small bodies had already collided with her legs and both women parted, grinning widely at the two children clinging to Debbie’s legs.

“Will you visit again soon?”, Jacob asked, looking up at her with hopeful green eyes. 

“I will, I promise.”, Debbie answered and crouched down to be on eye level with him and his sister.

Emma had gripped two tiny hands into the side of Debbie’s shirt and she now lovingly circled an arm around the girl’s frame.

“Now you two have fun at Disneyland. And you have to tell me everything you did once you’re back, okay?”

“Okay!”, Emma giggled. 

Debbie hugged Jacob to her other side, who willingly buried his head at her shoulder.

“And thank you for giving me Diego. He’s doing a great job protecting me.” she whispered to him.

The boy pulled back smiling so brightly Debbie’s heart warmed.

 

“Jacob, Emma, Do you want to help pick out snacks for the trip?”

Hank had called from the front door and immediately both children perked up before racing towards and then past him into the kitchen, snacks apparently being the most important part of any long travel.

Debbie stood back up and smiled at Hank. He returned the smile.

“Goodbye, Deborah.”, he said before following his children inside. 

Debbie shook her head, turning back to face Tammy again. Hank really was a good guy, she couldn’t blame Tammy for choosing him, although she would never fully understand how merely settling for this life was enough for her. But she had come to see that it was, and she wouldn’t judge.

“Have a safe trip.”, Debbie said and hugged Tammy one last time before moving towards the driver’s side.

“Call if you need to talk!”

“Stop worrying about me!”

Debbie pulled the car door shut behind her and only saw Tammy shaking her head in mock irritation before she pulled out of the driveway to head back into the city.

...

Standing next to the radio blasting some chart hit she didn’t know, kneading tiny Diego in both hands, Debbie took several deep breaths. In her head she counted to ten and then to 20 and then she forced herself to move and unpack the groceries. Coming home to the utterly silent loft had hit her harder than she’d thought. So before she could even dwell on it she had gone out again to get groceries. Coming back the second time hadn’t exactly been easier, but she would be okay. Breathing, occupying her hands, the music. She would handle this!

Just when she put away the milk container, a new song came on and this one Debbie knew and it put a smile on her face yet at the same time had her rolling her eyes as it spiraled her back 20 years in time. 

 

_Tell me why, ain’t nothing but a heartache. Tell me why, ain’t nothing but a mistake. Tell me why, I never wanna hear you say ‘I want it that way’._

She found herself singing along, against her will really, but she couldn’t help herself. Yeah, objectively they had been ‘too old’ when the Backstreet Boys got big, but damn they were everywhere in the late nineties and the songs were catchy and sometimes you needed to scream along at the top of your lungs to a song you didn’t even care much about and so there had been a lot of screaming and a lot of dancing in their cheap apartment. Just the three of them, Lou and Tammy and her, acting like stupid teenagers at almost thirty just because they could. 

So with a headshake but a grin firmly fixed on her lips, she found herself turning up the volume dancing along to the beat while she sorted away the groceries. It made her feel giddy and young and stupid and all kinds of meaninglessly happy she hadn’t been in a long while and it wasn’t until now she realized how much she had missed it.

 

Over the next week, Debbie came to realize that always having the radio on wasn’t at all a bad thing or a sad reminder of her ridiculous anxiety trigger. She had played around a little with the stations until she’d found one playing a good mixture between old music and current songs. And so every now and then a song that Debbie had all but forgotten about came on and more often than not had her giving in to singing along and having Grease-worthy dance breaks for no particular reason. 

However, she didn’t live in a bubble and as freeing as those small moments of happiness dancing around the loft were, too often she found herself freezing up when a completely unrelated thing suddenly sent her down a pitch black path of prison memories and anxiety and panic that almost paralyzed her. It was as much infuriating as it was scary and exhausting. 

She had never,  _never_ been someone struggling with mental health. Yeah, her family was fucked up. Her father’s commands and credos on how ‘what it means to be an Ocean’ were ingrained deeply in her mind. And no, none of them were healthy, prime exhibit: Her freaking inability to admit regret that threatened to destroy the one good thing in her life. Which, she _was_ going to address that eventually. Just not- now. 

But all in all, she’d never say she felt affected by it in any major way in day to day life. It was just the way things were. Some people had great families, some people didn’t and usually family fucked you up one way or the other anyway. She’d have her breakdowns, she’d make some stupid decisions but mostly she had always been able to think farther than the nagging voice of Frank Ocean in her head. She’d never felt defined by it being there.

 

But this was different! This was being completely fine one moment and then just about willing to die to make the memories stop the next simply because the news person’s voice reminded her of another inmate or because the murderer on a crime show had a line too close to what had been her reality once. It was like a switch in her brain was flicked and rationality gave way to primal fear. It was exhausting. 

The wrist scratching thing that had never been a major problem before, because  _before_ she rarely ever got this anxious, quickly turned out to be a damn pain in the ass. When one time the force of another anxiety attack had caught her off guard and she couldn’t for the life of her remember in which jacket pocket she had left her little tiger toy she had almost scratched her wrists bloody again. 

But Debbie counted it as a success that once she had calmed down enough, she had actually gone out to get some healing ointment from the pharmacy and also searched through the toy section of every shop on the way until she found some anti-stress balls that had the almost exact same feel to them as tiger Diego. She didn’t even care what the shop clerk must have thought when she bought 10 of them at once. If these little things, how stupid they may seem, were what got her through the day in one piece, be it. After how she’d felt earlier, ready to claw her eyes out to stop the useless adrenaline pulsing through her body, she was beyond caring about appearances. The little red balls got put into the pockets of every jacket she regularly wore and in all of her purses and scattered around all surfaces throughout the loft and it made her feel so much better. Safer. And somehow more prepared.

 

She had also taken to be way more social than she ever remembered herself to be. The radio worked great as a general distraction, but sometimes the loft was still too big and too empty. 

First she had called Amita who, after a horrendous break up from some Tinder-guy she had believed to be TheOne was more than happy to come over and spend an evening drinking and sobbing over stupid romcoms. Another time she had called Nine Ball, mainly because her laptop had started to do some weird things, but also because she somehow missed that devil may care attitude the hacker evaporated. She had raised an eyebrow at the sound of the admittedly rather outdated kitchen radio Debbie had been running nonstop for days now when she entered.

“You know this place has a pretty damn great surround sound system, right? Want me to hook the radio up to that?”

Debbie must have looked at her with all her years of technology-averse perplexity because Nine Ball had broken out in loud laughter and simply gotten to work. Debbie hadn’t known that the place had a ‘pretty damn great surround system’. Or maybe she had, because they had definitely played music over it in their heist preparations and the following celebratory parties, but she had never really paid it much attention. Now though, she was really thankful that Nine had set things up because boy, the sound was really so much better than the kitchen radio. 

Tammy came by a couple of days after she was back from Florida and Debbie hated to admit it because it made her feel so cheesy but her heart sang when she said “You look so much better, I’m proud of you, Debs.”

She certainly didn’t always feel like it, but she was glad to be able to say she was okay. She was coping. Somehow. Maybe in weird ways, but oh well.

 

“So the kids wanted me to give you these.”, Tammy said as she pushed aside her empty coffee mug to place a paper bag that had ‘Disneyland’ printed on it on the table. “I tried to convince them you didn’t need them but there was no way to win that argument.”

Raising a questioning eyebrow at Tammy who merely grinned in response, Debbie reached for the bag and pulled out a hairband with Minnie Mouse ears. She couldn’t help the sound escaping her lips as she turned them over in her hands viewing them skeptically.

“Well- tell them thank you.”, she eventually replied slowly.

“I think you’re gonna have to put them on.”, Tammy’s expression had turned into a knowing grin that had Debbie shake her head. She knew Tammy enjoyed this.

“No.”

“I’m pretty sure they want a picture of you wearing them.”

Of course they wanted a picture. Debbie clenched her jaw at the smug expression on Tammy’s face. The blonde knew exactly that she had grown way too fond of the children to refuse, even though she hated stupid children’s costume items like this.

“You are so irritating, Tamara Winters!”, she pressed through gritted teeth, picking up the horrific mouse ears to put them in her hair. 

“Oh but you look so pretty as Minnie Mouse!”, Tammy replied laughing, already snapping a picture with her phone to send to Jacob and Emma. 

Debbie tried to hold onto her (mostly) feigned irritation but eventually failed when within a minute Hank sent back a picture of two very excited children wearing an Elsa wig and a Goofy head respectively, smiling over both ears and giving thumbs ups.

The smile on her lips and the warmth spreading through her chest at that picture were still such new emotions that Debbie didn’t know exactly how to place them. Still, she was fine with them being there. Pulling the ears off her head she carefully placed them back on the table to reach for her mug in which the last remnants of her own coffee had probably gone lukewarm by now. 

 

“How long is Hank off work for?”, she asked when Tammy had put away her phone.

“For another two days. It’s a miracle really he got off for almost two whole weeks, but I gladly take it. It’s been a really great time.”

Debbie nodded. Tammy’s answer was honest, she knew that. Still she just couldn’t imagine how Tammy could be so happy with someone she didn’t love. Or well, maybe that was the key to her happiness. After all, where had love gotten Debbie in the past six years? 

“Have you talked to Lou?”

 _Of course_. Tammy read her thoughtful silence absolutely correct. 

“No. Have you?”

”A little. She got to Cali safely, went to San Francisco first actually. Last we talked she was in Eureka.”

“Did she say when she’s coming back?”

Tammy shook her head, her expression apologetic.

“She mentioned Crescent City though. So, that’s still further north.”

“That’s almost Oregon!”

“Debbie.”

“Yeah. No. I know. Did- Did she sound happy?”

“Deb, I’m not your carrier pigeon. You’re both my friends, but it’s not up to me to communicate between you two.”

 

Debbie rolled her eyes in annoyance. She knew it was unfair to Tammy, but she was frustrated. She needed to know if Lou was okay. If she was happy and if this trip gave her whatever it was she had been searching for. She desperately hoped it did. Because even if it probably wasn’t fair, Debbie felt somewhat betrayed that Lou had decided to deal with this situation of theirs by running away. Lou had her reasons, of course, and they were good reasons, she couldn’t even deny that. And Debbie could handle Lou leaving, she could, but only if she knew that it was what Lou had needed. 

 

“Have you thought about texting her, maybe?”, Tammy asked completely ignoring Debbie’s unfair eye roll from a moment ago.

“What good would that be?”, Debbie sighed.

To her surprise Tammy didn’t answer and when Debbie looked up to give her a questioning glance, she just shrugged her shoulders.

“What? I don’t have an answer for everything.”

“So you don’t think I should text her?”

“I don’t know, Deb. This thing is between you and her. Only you could possibly know what’s the right or wrong thing here.”

Debbie thought about that for a second and it made so much sense she let out a frustrated growl and rested her head on her arms on the table.

“I hate your stupid overview of things!”, she complained. 

“I’m sorry?”, Tammy replied, “I can shut up. Have you heard of Constance’s latest milestone? She got invited to Playlist live, this Vlogger convention.”

“Tammy!”

Debbie lifted her head to give her a pointed stare but Tammy merely stared back.

“Deborah!”

“Stop!”

“Stop what?”

“Ughh. You really are irritating!”

“Well so are you Miss Ocean!”

Tammy pointedly raised an eyebrow before she got up and went over to the kitchen rustling with the kettle. 

Debbie put her head back on the table. She didn’t know what she wanted from this conversation. Tammy to tell her what to do? Maybe. But would she actually follow that advice? Probably not. 

All she knew was that she missed Lou, more every day. With getting more of a grip on this anxiety thing, she had more mental capacity to dwell on how much she wished to be back with Lou. And she knew that to make that a reality they had to talk through things first, first and foremost her Becker mistake. She still wasn’t particularly looking forward to that but if that was what it took to go back to that place of safety and comfort and love that had become so addictive about being with Lou, Debbie was just about ready to push through being uncomfortable. 

Hell, she was uncomfortable now, without Lou, too! She felt exposed and vulnerable and exhausted in a way that had become foreign to her, after so many years of having her partner by her side: to lean on, to vent to, to celebrate with, to kiss and fuck and just- _be_ with.

 

It wasn’t that she _couldn’t_ be by herself, it was that she didn’t _want to_. The past weeks had reminded her how goddamn  _exhausting_ that was. 

She wanted to be with Lou! 

With Lou everything had always been somehow better. Easier. More colorful and less dark. Lou knew her in a way she hadn’t thought it’d be possible to know another person, understanding often what she needed before she knew herself. At least until Debbie had left. They had played pretend well enough for the past months since she got out, but it hadn’t been the same.

 _Not for her either_ , a tiny voice chirped. That thought made Debbie’s stomach clench painfully. The memory of Lou fighting tears that evening before she left suddenly had Debbie almost tearing up herself. Her father might have drilled into her never to admit failure but it didn’t go as far as never feeling it. And in a way, she had failed Lou, hadn’t she? So caught up in herself, first with the heist then with the unwillingness to face the millions of unspoken words between them, she hadn’t only made herself miserable. 

The knowledge settled deep in her chest and produced an unnerving ache but also somehow a sudden clarity.

 

Something started to tingle in the very back of her brain. She closed her eyes, trying to pinpoint it, only vaguely aware of the kettle boiling in the kitchen, Tammy rustling with some dishes and then returning to the table and Taylor Swift singing in the background the volume turned almost all the way down. 

Then the coin dropped and she peeked up to stare at Tammy, who had apparently made herself a cup of tea.

“What date is it today?”

Tammy startled at the sudden outburst, but checked her phone in response.

“Thursday, July 12th.”

Debbie stared straight at Tammy as a sudden epiphany washed over her. 

“I have to book a flight to Cali.”

“Debbie, your parole-“

“Ends in 12 days. It ends July 24th!”

Debbie continued to hold her gaze, knowing full well that Tammy would get it in a second. And she did and a smile appeared on her lips, softening her whole expression.

“Want me to check in where about she’s gonna be then?”

“I thought you weren’t our carrier pigeon?”

“Just this once I might be.”

 

Debbie laughed, her heart feeling much lighter suddenly. It wouldn’t last, she knew that. It would still get uncomfortable. It might still end in disaster and the idea of that absolutely terrified her. But she would live through it. She had to. And damn if she hadn’t lived through worse.

Screw her father’s voice in her head and screw her stupid pride. Lou was worth it. Lou had always been worth all of it and Debbie had been a fool to let that get away from her. She wouldn’t be a fool any longer. 12 days. 12 days and then she would finally fucking apologize for choosing Claude Becker, asshole extraordinaire, over Lou in some stupid misguided attempt to prove something to the world. 

And then it would be up to Lou. 

Debbie was carefully optimistic that at the very least she still loved her. After all, she had said she intended to come back, right? Debbie definitely still loved Lou. With all her heart. Maybe even more than ever before. But it wasn’t about love this time, she knew that too. It was about apologies and decisions, about betrayal and disappointment and six years spend apart making experiences that put distance between them where there had never been distance before.

And they were so bad at talking. They had been the first time around and they would still be now. But they had to try. Debbie wanted to try. 

When Tammy took her hand over the table and squeezed it reassuringly, she smiled at her friend.

It might all go to shit, but well- Debbie would survive that, too.


	7. And I am done with my graceless heart (so tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been ages and I really have nothing to say in my defense except that writer's block is real.  
>  **Trigger Warnings **for mentions of anxiety, depression, self harm****

  1. _And I am done with my graceless heart (so tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart_ )



 

The engines were roaring loudly and then the familiar force of takeoff pushed Debbie back in her seat. Her stomach felt like a hoard of bees had settled there and it wasn’t just because of the flight. The past 2 weeks had been the longest weeks of her entire life. She hadn’t thought it was possible to top the experience of being in detention awaiting her trial, but it was and this had been it. She had tried to distract herself, had spent time with Tammy and the kids again, with Amita, with Nine Ball at her bar. She even caught up with always busy Daphne who had really blossomed in her new role running a movie set instead of merely playing the dumb actress. Debbie had to admit she was sufficiently impressed. Still, time had stretched like gum.

Lying in bed, every night her brain had run in circles imagining all the different scenarios of how seeing Lou and finally saying what she should have said ages ago could go. Needless to say, it was an exhausting thought process that left Debbie anxious and uncomfortable, kneading her little stress balls until her joints hurt.

 

Now the day had finally come and Debbie felt both incredibly ready for it and yet at the same time scared out of her mind.

But here she was, on a plane to Seattle from where she’d fly to Rogue Valley International Medford Airport. It was a damn long name for an airport in a southern Oregon region Debbie had never heard of before. But it was the closest she could get on a plane to Crescent City which was where Lou was. Tammy had indeed played carrier pigeon and told Debbie that Lou planned on staying in the area for a while.

 

The journey would take her about 11 hours in total including the drive from Medford to Crescent City and Debbie wasn’t yet sure she’d survive it in one piece.

2 hours into the first flight and she was miserable. She alternated between being anxious to the point of nausea and being calm and removed from the situation to a point where she had to physically pinch herself to remind her she was real and actually on that plane.

She had felt so ready when she booked the flight, yet here she was, a total mess. It was infuriating. So much about herself frustrated her lately. She didn’t use to be this emotional! She didn’t remember being so much subject to mood swings and anxiety levels and flashbacks. Then again she wasn’t the same person she was a decade ago. _“And that’s okay. Imagine we’d never change. That would be so much scarier,”_ Tammy’s voice echoed in her head and she took a deep breath, reaching for the overhead compartment to adjust the air conditioning. _One step at a time,_ she told herself, kneading tiny Diego and looking out the window into fluffy white clouds and a bright blue sky. The exhaustion of getting up early and the whole act that flying somehow always was slowly caught up with her and the steady noise of the engines eventually lulled her into an uneasy sleep.

 

She got to Crescent City when the sun was just setting and all but collapsed onto the hotel bed, falling asleep almost immediately but forcing herself to get back up and at least rinse off the travel sweat from her skin. There was no way in hell though she’d wash her hair tonight.

Transit in Seattle had worked out rather smoothly, there had only been a small delay on the second flight and overall Debbie had had way worse travel experiences even domestically. Still, she was exhausted. So much so in fact, that not even the thought of being in the same city as Lou, hell, maybe even in the same hotel, stirred her into any particular emotion anymore. She probably shouldn’t have even made the drive from Medford in this state, but the thought of having to drive two hours in the morning when no doubt all the what-if scenarios would be back in blazing colors, had made her push through.

 

She stepped out of the shower, dried herself off, changed into sleepwear and crawled under the sheets ready to pass out. She was just on the brink of consciousness when she remembered that she had promised Tammy to text when she’d arrived safely. After dropping her phone three times and squinting at the brightness of the screen on even the lowest setting, she sent that text off and finally, finally fell into a somewhat restful sleep.

 

She dreamed of Lou that night. The dream escaped her as soon as she blinked her eyes open, but it left behind a feeling of warmth and comfort that Debbie reveled in as she turned her head towards the sunlight streaming in through a crack in the curtains. She padded along the sheets until she found her phone to check the time. 9:20, it read, and a reply from Tammy from the night before saying good night. Debbie smiled at the screen before stretching and getting up to wash her hair.

 

After a short breakfast that had actually been really good, Debbie now sat on her bed, once again staring at her phone. Her thumb hovered over Lou’s name in her contacts. She knew she needed to call her. But hearing Lou’s voice on the phone, not seeing her face to decipher her reaction seemed so intimidating.

What if she didn’t want to see her? This was Lou’s trip after all and she was really just barging in on it, wasn’t she? Maybe she should have waited until Lou came back to New York?

 

With a shudder running down her spine she closed her phone’s contact list and threw it onto the bed. Getting up and pacing the room she ran suddenly shaky fingers through her hair and then down her arms before thinking better of it and reaching into her purse for a stress ball. Kneading that kept her hands occupied but she couldn’t stop pacing. This was a bad idea! She shouldn’t have come!

She felt herself inching closer and closer to a full blown panic attack and for the first time in weeks felt helpless against it because this was something real. It wasn’t just the memory of being scared and Debbie didn’t know how to handle it.

She kept kneading the red stress ball like a maniac but it hardly did anything to calm her. Damn it! With an exasperated growl Debbie grabbed her phone again and, this time without hesitation, called Tammy. If she had learned anything in the past weeks it was to ask for help before you freaked out completely- and she was pretty damn close to that.

 

“Debs, hey,“ Tammy answered on the third ring.

“Tammy! This was a bad idea!” Debbie breathed into the phone.

“Calm down. It’s gonna be okay. Have you called her yet?”

“No! That’s what I’m saying! What if she doesn’t want to see me? What was I thinking just flying out here forcing her to listen to me when she obviously wanted to get as far away from me as possible? What if she hates me for it? This was a bad idea!”

“Debbie, Lou won’t hate you. I doubt she’s capable of that.” Tammy’s voice was calm and reassuring and Debbie forced herself to listen to it and absorb the words, even if all her brain wanted to do was keep running its worst-case scenarios.

“I just-“, she broke off, “What do I do if she really doesn’t want to see me? She has all the right to say no to me. I’ve said no to her so often, that’s the whole fucking reason we’re where we are. I’m- scared.”

The last words were only whispered and their truth scared Debbie. She hadn’t ever said it out loud, but she was so damn scared. It had been over a month since Lou had left. She knew Lou needed space and time but what if in those weeks Debbie was bound to the State of New York, Lou had realized she didn’t really need Debbie at all?

 

“I know,“ Tammy replied calmly and Debbie scoffed. Of course Tammy knew, she was like a freaking mind reader.

“No one likes being scared. No one does well when they’re scared and some people make some horrible decisions in an attempt to get over it, but the reality is that after a certain point the only way forward is through. As hard and as ugly as it gets.”

 

There was something strange in Tammy’s voice suddenly that made Debbie pause and peak up. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but it sounded a whole lot as if she were speaking from experience. Momentarily distracted from her own emotions Debbie sat down and pressed the phone closer to her ear.

 

“Tammy, what are you saying?”, she asked carefully.

The line stayed silent for a while until Tammy eventually spoke again:

“After I had Emma, I wasn’t doing too good. I thought with her being my second child things would be a little easier, you know, because I already kind of knew what to expect. But things weren’t easier and they just kept getting worse. Postnatal depression is what it’s called, but I didn’t get that diagnosis for a few months because I never went for help. I thought I could just push through and those feelings would go away. But they didn’t.” There was a pause in which she caught her breath. “I just couldn’t bond with her. I’d look at her and wonder what was wrong with me. I had these horrible thoughts of hurting her and they made me go crazy! Because I _didn’t_ want to hurt her but then why was I thinking about it?” Another pause. “Do you know why I was so adamant that you not scratch your wrists and harm yourself when you get overwhelmed? Because I did. I believed if I couldn’t be a good mother I deserved to hurt. It was small things like going outside without a coat in 5 inches of snow, not eating regularly,… And whenever I had these- these thoughts of hurting her-  I’d scratch my arms bloody.”

Debbie swallowed heavily as her heart dropped.

 “When I eventually went to see a doctor, he advised to go see a therapist and I did and it helped immensely and I got through it eventually.”

 

Debbie didn’t know what to answer and simply clutched her phone tighter to her ear.

“I-“ she tried and failed, before attempting again, “I am so sorry,” she whispered, her throat dry, her heart aching for her friend.

“It’s okay,” Tammy assured, “My point is: Going to therapy might have helped me understand and process why I was feeling what I was feeling, but it didn’t magically make it go away. I still had to work through being scared. I had to face it and get through it. I know the analogy sucks, but you’ve grown so much already, Debs. All that’s left now is pushing through.”

 

Debbie took a deep breath. As much as she felt for Tammy, the analogy did suck. Because in contrast to the responsibility of being a mother, Debbie could, theoretically, just pack her bags and leave. But she knew that wasn’t what Tammy had intended with opening up like this.

She sighed again, suddenly aware of the tension she had been holding in her back. Exhaling a long breath she made a conscious effort to relax her muscles as she thought more carefully about Tammy’s words.

“Are you still there?”, Tammy asked after a while.

“Yeah. Yeah I am. I’m- thinking.”

“Just call her. And if things go south, call me again, okay?”

That brought a tiny thankful smile to Debbie’s lips, although the thought wasn’t without hiccups either.

“But she’s your friend, too.”

“You’re stalling. I’m gonna hang up now. Love you.”

 

Debbie stared at her phone in disbelief after the call had ended. Tammy had never hung up on her like that. Her story still weighted heavy on Debbie’s mind and she wondered what else important she had missed in her friend’s life during her incarceration. She had never asked. God, she really had been an egocentric bitch, hadn’t she? What did she miss in Lou’s life? Tammy had hinted at something quite substantial and after what she had just confessed about herself, Debbie’s stomach almost turned at. She was right. It was time to get over herself and fucking move forward or she would never know. She had come this far, she wouldn’t chicken out now!

 

Getting up to physically try shaking off the residing feelings of doubt and insecurity, she forced one last deep breath and then finally pressed her thumb on Lou’s name on the screen.

Lou picked up before Debbie could change her mind and her voice felt like an immediate band-aid on Debbie’s tightly strung nerves.

 

“Hey”

“Hey,” Debbie answered softly, overwhelmed with just how much impact Lou’s voice had on her.

“I didn’t expect you to call.”

“You picked up, though.”

“I did.”

“I missed you.” The words were out of her mouth before Debbie could stop them and once she realized it, she held her breath in sudden shock. When Lou quietly answered “I missed you, too.”, though Debbie’s whole body relaxed and she could practically feel the chaos in her mind settle.

This was Lou after all! Lou who knew her better than anyone else. It was ridiculous to be scared talking to her!

 

“I’m in California,” Debbie slowly said, “in Crescent City to be exact.”

“You’re- what?!”

“Yeah-“

“But your parole?” Lou sounded so worried, Debbie’s heart jumped a little.

“It’s fine,” she assured, “I’m officially a free citizen again. My parole ended two days ago.”

“Oh. Good-“, Lou’s voice drifted off and there was silence for a while, then:

“When did you get here?”

“Yesterday.”

Debbie knew why Lou asked and she bit her lip, silently cursing that she couldn’t see Lou’s face to read her reaction. Then she decided to just screw it and get on to the important part.

“I want to see you, Lou. I know I fucked up. I want to- I learned a lot about myself these past weeks since you left and I- Can we…can we just meet?” It was pathetic, but for a moment Debbie actually closed her eyes waiting for Lou’s answer.

“Yes. Yes, sure, we can meet. I- I can’t believe you’re here.”

Debbie exhaled, a smile fighting its way to her lips as the words registered.

“Where are you staying?”, she asked.

“Cheap motel. I’ll come to you. Where are you staying?”

“You do realize you have the money for nice hotels now, right?”

She heard Lou chuckle, “Maybe I’m being a little nostalgic. So where are you?”

“The Best Western.”

“I guessed. It’s probably the nicest hotel in town.”

Debbie shook her head grinning.

“When will you be here?”

“An hour?”

“I’ll meet you in the lobby?”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Deb?”

“Hmm?”

“I really missed you.”

Debbie’s heart skipped a beat.

“I really missed you too, Lou.”

The line went silent but Debbie was reluctant to say goodbye. This call had gone so well, she didn’t want it to end just yet. Eventually it was Lou who spoke again, quietly, almost hesitantly:

“See you later then.”

“Yeah,” Debbie breathed, “See you later.”

It took another few seconds but then the line beeped once and the call ended. Debbie let herself fall face down into the pillows.


	8. I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s getting serious and I am realizing that writing this is so much harder than i anticipated. I can’t seem to get it right and it’s frustrating me, but this is what I have and I’m handing it to you as the best I could do.

_8\. I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t_

 

Lou stared at her phone long after the call ended. There were so many emotions suddenly; she was almost dizzy, although not entirely in a bad way.

 

_Debbie is here!_

 

The thought bounced around her mind like an old Windows screensaver. When her phone rang and the caller ID displayed Debbie’s name, Lou definitely hadn’t expected that. Picking up had been an instinct that she hadn’t bothered to suppress. It had been over a month since they last talked and Lou had missed Debbie for most of that time. All complicated emotions aside, she had come to accept that rather quickly. It wasn’t enough to make contact herself, she hadn’t been quite ready for that, but when she saw Debbie’s name on the screen there had been no question she’d answer.

 

Speaking to Debbie had felt like a calming wave of comfort and that alone told Lou that she was ready to meet and talk. To be honest, Lou had played with the thought of going back to New York soon anyway.

This trip had been great. She had (re-)discovered a lot about herself and desperately needed the experience. However, in its wake she had also learned that, while she did well on her own, she didn’t necessarily like being by herself.

Now Debbie had taken things into her own hands, which- that wasn’t unexpected really. Deborah Ocean was always one to take things into her own hands. Lou had left the state precisely because Debbie’s parole had confined her to it. Rationally she knew that her parole had to be ending sometime around now, but in the end the exact date had simply slipped her mind.

 

But now it had ended and Debbie was here. The fact that Debbie had flown across the country for her had Lou’s heart doing pathetic little jumps, both from happiness and sudden tension.

She wanted to see Debbie so badly. Wanted to see her, hug her, inhale her smell, run fingers through her hair and just- have her back. Her Debbie. For all she had come to appreciate this trip of introspection, there was no denying Lou’s longing for her. And it hadn’t ever been about that anyway. Getting away for a while hadn’t ever been about preparing to cut ties with Debbie. On the opposite, it had always been Lou’s attempt to maybe possibly eventually get back to how things were- before.

 

Before Claude Becker.

The name still had bile rising in Lou’s throat. And that was the point, wasn’t it?

Lou wanted Debbie, more than anything. But she needed honesty first. She needed an apology. That was the main thing she had taken away from these weeks on the road. She couldn’t continue the way they had stumbled along ever since the heist. She hadn’t been willing to admit it at the time, but in retrospect it had been killing her. The feigned normalcy had been eating away at her. Living like this for as long as she had, never having the balls to confront Debbie, hoping against hope Debbie would make that step first-it was just another way of self-destructing and Lou was done with that.

She was so ridiculously good at it but she just couldn’t allow herself to continue this time.

The past 4 weeks on the road had helped her understand that and also realize that if push came to shove life could continue even without Debbie. It seemed stupid that she needed four weeks by herself on her bike to understand that when Debbie had already been away in prison for 6 years and life had also continued then. But then again, it hadn’t really for a painfully long time.

 

Lou unconsciously grit her teeth at the memory. She didn’t want to get back into that time, that mindset, least of all now when she had just agreed to go and meet Debbie. She had a feeling this conversation they were undeniably going to have would have a lot of those memories bubbling up anyway. She didn’t have to make herself miserable preemptively. Taking a deep breath, Lou flexed her hands and then got up.

She was still in the oversized shirt she had slept in, having decided earlier to make this a lazy morning. She had been in town for a couple of days already and spent the past two days constantly on her feet exploring. It was the routine she had fallen into: Arrive someplace new, spend two or three days exploring and then take a couple of lazy days- sleeping in, aimlessly wandering around for long hours, reading a good book, usually making acquaintance with the local diner staff.

Today was going to be one of those lazy days, but now plans had changed. Shifting through the heap of clothes she’d run through the wash the day before, Lou opted for a dark red band tank and some plain black pants. She had worn that same outfit for countless days during the past weeks, since her choice of clothes was rather restricted. By now most of what she had with her had gone through so many washing cycles and been stuffed into one way too small bag that she’d probably toss it out or degrade it to working or sleeping clothes once she got back. She actually felt kind of sorry for it. It would still do for today though.

Standing under the hot shower some minutes later Debbie’s “I missed you” repeated again in her brain and Lou’s lips curled into a smile. Whatever would happen later, for now she held onto those three words.

...

 

An hour later Lou entered the lobby of the Best Western Hotel. She had been correct in her assumption that it was the nicest hotel in town. Which- considering the town wasn’t very impressive at all but still. Lou looked around the lobby that was furnished with a few couches and armchairs that were all empty. She was just about to settle down into one of them when she heard footsteps that she immediately recognized. Turning, she met Debbie’s eyes and felt almost paralyzed by the emotions that passed between them in that one moment.

For a moment they just looked at each other, both unwilling or unable to make a move but then Louquickly bridged the distance between them with two long steps and wrapped her arms around Debbies waist, pulling her close.

“Hey,” she breathed at Debbie’s ear, inhaling the smell of her perfume that was oh so intoxicating. Debbie melted into the embrace in an instant and looped her arms around Lou’s back in response making Lou shiver.

“Hey. You came.”

“Of course I came.”

“I missed you.”

There they were again, those words that made Lou’s spine tingle and she nuzzled deeper into Debbie’s hair.

“I really, really missed you, Lou.”, Debbie repeated and tightened her hold on Lou’s back.

“I can’t believe you’re really here,” Lou replied, Debbie’s sudden physical closeness and her confession positively throwing her off in a way it hadn’t in decades. Gosh, four weeks relearning that life could work well without Debbie Ocean completely forgotten by one embrace. If she weren’t so comfortable, she’d roll her eyes at herself, but as it were she didn’t care. Debbie in her arms was warm and familiar and REAL and that was what was important.

Debbie eventually shifted slightly and Lou lessened her hold on her, pulling back just enough to be able to lock eyes but keeping her hands on Debbie’s hips.

“We need to talk,” Debbie all but whispered and like a breaking wave reality settled back in. Lou took a deep breath before she nodded, reluctantly letting her hands fall back to her sides.

“Yeah. Just- maybe not here?”

“Do you know somewhere to go? I didn’t really check out the sights first.”

Lou grinned in response and there was a hesitant smile on Debbie’s lips as well.

“I do know a place,” Lou replied after a moment’s thought, “it’s a little walk though.”

“Fine by me.”

 

They left the hotel and Lou turned left and towards the marina. She had been there a couple of times before. It wasn’t completely remote but there weren’t usually many people either and when you sat down on the bench furthest out you had a beautiful view over the ocean.

“You look good,” Debbie remarked as they walked side by side.

“Thank you. So do you. The blue looks good on you.”

Debbie’s dark blue top was some sort of fancy asymmetrical cut that no one but Debbie could pull off, least of all so effortlessly. And the color really did suit her.

Debbie however laughed dryly in response.

“I look tired, you can say it.”

Lou shrugged noncommittally.

Debbie did look tired and not necessarily only in a jet-lag kind of way.

“I’ve been- going through a lot recently. Understanding a lot, though it remains a learning curve,” she huffed before adding, “and what kind of curve.”

Lou didn’t understand but could feel her nerve endings starting to tingle. This was already thin ice. Something with so much more depth than they had ever been good at handling. When she looked over at Debbie, the brunette didn’t meet her eyes, instead had her gaze locked onto the water ahead of them. Lou didn’t know what to say so she opted to stay silent for the moment. When they reached the bench she’d had in mind she sat down and gestured for Debbie to do the same.

 

“You must have loved this,” Debbie sighed, “The ocean? I remember you always talked about how you missed having it close by.”

She finally met Lou’s eyes and Lou’s heart warmed under her gaze: More hesitant than it had been in years, but still so intense, those eyes the most beautiful color Lou had ever seen.

“I did. Love it,” she slowly replied, “It’s reminded me a lot of- home.”

Debbie nodded, then took a deep breath and Lou felt a shiver run down her spine.

 

“Lou, I- I fucked up!”, Debbie admitted and continued quickly almost on one breath,“9 years ago when you first told me not to go along with Claude’s scheme and I didn’t listen, I fucked up, and ever since then I just- made it worse. I should’ve listened to you! From the beginning. And I should have said something a month ago before you left when you wanted me to say something! But I didn’t- couldn’t. And I’m - I’m sorry Lou! I’m so so sorry!”

 

Brown eyes fixed pleadingly on blue and Lou had to swallow heavily as millions of memories started flickering in front of her eyes while her heart simply decided to skip a few beats.


	9. It's always darkest before the dawn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here it is! The talk this whole story has been leading up to. I wrote this whole chapter down in one sitting and it had me on edge writing it. I hope you're going to be just as on edge reading it! (Also sorry about the weird paragraphs. I have given up trying to figure out the ways in which AO3 adds blank lines apparently randomly when I already perfectly format everything before I paste it...)

  1. _It’s always darkest before the dawn_



 

Lou stayed quiet for so long that shivers ran down Debbie’s back. She could hear blood rushing in her ears. Lou just stared at her, the emotions flashing over her face changed so rapidly Debbie had no chance identifying them. There was certainly pain though and that scared her. It made her blood run cold as she suddenly realized how close the possibility was that Lou wouldn’t forgive her. All her nerve endings were on fire as adrenaline pulsed through her veins. She felt pretty close to the next panic attack, but she wasn’t going to give into it. She needed to hear Lou’s answer- needed to hear it now!

“Lou, please say something?” she eventually begged, almost voicelessly, unable to stand the silence for a minute longer.

 

“I-“

Lou got up and shook her head as if she needed to clear her thoughts. Her eyes remained restless though, even as they somewhat focused back on Debbie. They were clouded, the beautiful sparkle that reminded Debbie of the ocean she so fiercely associated with Lou all gone.

“Why did you leave with Claude at all?” Lou eventually asked, “Why did you stay with him? Why did you sleep with him? Why did you choose to leave me behind when I loved you so much?”

Her voice had gotten progressively more urgent and she now stared down at Debbie.

 

Debbie felt Lou’s words pierce her like a knife and almost physically flinched. Her pulse quickened even more, although she hadn’t thought that possible. She suddenly felt like throwing up.

“Love?”, she pressed out, swallowing the nausea and getting to her feet as well, wanting to at least be on eye level. But Lou turned away as she stepped closer. “How would I have known? We never put a label on this thing between us!”

 

“Because I thought we didn’t **need** to! Of course I loved you! How could you think I didn’t?!”

 

Lou whipped around, expression now equal parts angry and sad and it made something switch inside Debbie.

 

“Well maybe because you never told me?!” she retorted, “You just went along when I left with Claude! You could have fought for me to stay! You could have kept me from leaving!”

“Keep **_you_** from leaving?!” Lou huffed “How the hell was I supposed to stop you from leaving? There’s no way to stop you from doing anything! Ever! You’re the most stubborn person on this whole freaking planet! And why should I be the one to fight for us? Why didn’t you **_want_** to stay?”

 

They were screaming at each other now and Debbie knew that this wasn’t at all how this conversation was meant to go, but she couldn’t help it. She suddenly felt everything at once and as deeply as never before and she was so overwhelmed by that, it was impossible to get a hold on herself and so she snapped back:

 

“Because I was afraid! Because I loved you too! Because things got real and things had never been this real before! Then Claude came by and he offered not only those high risk high payoff jobs but also a lack of commitment!”

“You loved me too?”

“And then this lack of commitment was what sent me to jail! Claude fucking Becker was the biggest mistake of my life and I’m going to pay for it for the rest of my life! With my sanity apparently! And then I got out and you just left! How could you just leave?!”

 

There was a beat of utter silence and then Debbie realized what Lou had said and what she had said and she covered her face with her hands and wanted to **scream**.

 

“You never asked me to stay! And you knew I wanted you to, you just said it!” Lou’s voice was so contorted by emotion it was almost unrecognizable.

“I know! Fuck, I know!” Debbie let out a long exasperated breath, running her hands through her hair, then reaching into her pocket for a stress ball and fumbling around with that, “It’s not that easy for me, Lou.”

 

She knew she was being defensive. But they were so far beyond being rational already.  

 

“What, and it should have been easy for _me_ to make _you_ stay when you left with Claude?! I asked! **I** fucking did! Repeatedly! You wouldn’t hear any of it!”

“But why did you leave now? When you knew I couldn’t leave the state? Why couldn’t we figure things out at home?” Debbie defiantly glared at Lou who didn’t meet her eyes and instead stared at a point somewhere three inches to her right. “I’ve been falling apart since you left!” She hadn’t meant to splutter out that reality but there it was, “Prison was hell! And the images- the nightmares, the flashbacks? I’m so tired of dealing with them. Which I am! I am dealing! But it’s so hard- it’s so- I know **I** left. But you fucking left too!”

 

She fought it, she really did, but the sob broke free anyway and another one followed suit. She felt tears on her cheeks and her throat hurt from screaming and she didn’t want to be fighting but she didn’t know how to stop. They were such a mess! She felt dizzy and let herself sink back down onto the bench, burying her face in her hands, letting her hair fall around her like a curtain. Debbie couldn’t imagine a single scenario in which any of this could still end well.

When Lou spoke again her voice was more controlled, no longer screaming, but instead dangerously shaky- filled to the brim with betrayal. Debbie’s heart clenched so painfully she had to stifle a noise of pain.

 

“That’s-“, Lou began slowly in that voice that sounded like ‘this is the end” to Debbie, “It’s not the same. At all. I _asked_ you to stay, Deb! I _begged_ you! _You_ decided against _me!_ You broke my heart! You decided I wasn’t good enough. You say you loved me, you say you wanted me to fight for you? Well it didn’t feel like it! Because I did _everything_ I could and you still left! **_You_** left! And if it were only for the money, hell, maybe I wouldn’t care so much. But it wasn’t! You fucked the guy! You moved in with him and you fucked him and he bought you expensive jewelry and it was like a fucking trashy romance novel! Did you love him? Did you? You know, _I_ fell apart, too! I fucking shattered into a thousand pieces and I very nearly wasn’t able to pick them up again!”

 

Debbie didn’t raise her head. She didn’t have the energy for it. She hurt. All of her hurt. Her throat, her head, her heart. It was only when she felt Lou sit back down next to her that she managed to lift her head enough to give her a sideways glance.

Lou was crying, too, tears silently running down her cheeks. She was running fingers through her hair, pulling on individual strands her breathing as irregular as Debbie’s own. Debbie’s face contorted in pain at the image and she felt more tears on her own face.

 

“I didn’t love him,” she whispered, the only thing she could offer “I never loved him.”

“But you stayed with him. Left me for him,” Lou replied.

 

The fight had left her as well. She didn’t turn her head to look at Debbie, she simply fixated the ground, still trying to catch her breath, occasionally rubbing at wet cheeks although the tears kept coming.

 

“I did,” Debbie admitted on a long exhale and then choked on another sob before she could continue, “Because- Because- well- money for once. I thought- maybe I might live up to Danny’s standards. After Tammy left- there wasn’t much glamour in what we were doing. But- I don’t know how I could leave you for him. I wish I knew, I really do. I wish I could tell you what you need to hear. But I can’t.”

 

She had to pause to catch her breath and then stayed silent because she didn’t actually have anything more to say. For a moment there was silence, only interrupted by both of their labored breathing and the occasional sob. The horror of the situation settled with a cold rush in Debbie and she eventually choked out a:

“I’m sorry, I never wanted it to come to this.”

“Me neither,” Lou replied and Debbie only sobbed worse in response, burying her face in her hands again, sinking forward to rest elbows on her knees and curl up as tight as possible.

 

She jumped when there was a sudden cold hand wrapping fingers around her left wrist and tugging gently. Lou still refused to look at her, but she slid fingers over Debbie’s skin until their hands intertwined and then circled her thumb over the back of Debbie’s hand. Debbie’s heart jumped in response and it hurt still, but somehow different now and she felt some of the original stamina that had brought her here slowly return. Taking a shaky breath Debbie carefully sorted her words this time before speaking.

 

“I really am sorry, Lou. For- everything. For leaving when you asked me to stay. For accusing you to not have fought me for it. For blaming you for leaving now. For screaming. For breaking your heart. I-“, she had to take another deep breath and swallowed heavily, “I know I fucked up. I should have apologized the minute you took me into your home that day when I got out. After everything I’d done, you took me in. At the very least I should have done so when you told me you’d leave. I didn’t because- because well because I was indoctrinated not to and I thought my pride was more important. It’s not. And I understand why you left, I do. I’m sorry I held it against you.”

She exhaled deeply and let her head sink again. This was what she had come here to say, but look at where they had ended up instead. They were a disaster.

 

“Deb- I-“ Lou started but then broke off and Debbie could swear she was also choking on a sob and the pain of hearing that had her biting her lip.

“Deb, I love you,” she finally got out and they locked eyes for the first time since the conversation had escalated. The anger was gone from Lou’s blue orbs now and a shudder ran through Debbie at the raw emotions swirling there instead.

“I’ve loved you since we first met and it’s been my kryptonite ever since, but I love you so much. And-“, she paused briefly before continuing with more strength in her voice, “thank you for apologizing. It’s- it really does matter to me. I didn’t know how much it did until I got away from you and then at the same time I realized that I also realized that I don’t want to be away from you at all.”

 

Debbie’s exhausted brain tried to keep up but she had to admit failure and blankly stared at Lou for a moment before she apologetically shook her head.

“I’m sorry, Lou, I didn’t get that.”

It actually made Lou laugh for a short second, then she shook her head.

“Doesn’t matter. Thank you for apologizing. And- I’m sorry too. For screaming. And for blaming you for what happened with me after you were gone. And- And for leaving. I don’t regret it, but- I should have had the guts to figure this out with you without running away.”

 

That Debbie did understand and she had to bite her lip harder not to have another sob break free because after that whole screaming match that should have been her apology in the first place, now Lou said that she was sorry and although it shouldn’t, it felt so good and so Debbie just bit her lip harder. Eventually, staring at Lou’s face for a couple of more moments, Debbie gave in to every fiber of her being that had been longing for Lou for ages and whispered:

“Can I kiss you?”

 

And Lou nodded and Debbie’s heart jumped so much she got dizzy as the blood rushed in her ears but she didn’t care. Instead she reached up and placed her hand against Lou’s cheek, brushing her thumb gently over tear streaked skin. Their eyes were locked on each other and Debbie could see the tiniest flicker of that sparkle return to Lou’s and the relief she felt at that was indescribable. It was Lou who leaned in and locked their lips eventually and Debbie felt like the weight of the world was lifted from her shoulders with that kiss.

It quickly went from soft and almost hesitant to something deeper and considerably more heated but also so familiar that it almost brought a wave of new tears to Debbie’s eyes. She let go of Lou’s hand only to slide her own around Lou’s waist and pull her closer, to feel more of her against her own body.

This was what she had missed so much. This was them. This was her Lou, back in her arms, for real this time- no walls, no hesitations, no pretending.


	10. Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been ages, I know, and I'm sorry.  
> This chapter isn't at all what I planned. But while it isn't the breakdown of both their individual pasts that I wanted it to be, I still feel it is necessary and it didn't feel right to not break off this part from the next- which is definitely going to be the conversation of 'what happened while we were apart?'. Thus I'm going to call this an interlude. It is also incredibly fluffy and hopelessly romantic. Depending on what you came here for "Enjoy!" or "I'm very sorry!" xD

“Was the trip what you wanted it to be?” Debbie asked as she walked slowly through Lou’s motel room, picking up a stray shirt and handing it to Lou, who was packing her stuff back into her bag.

“I don’t think I really knew what I wanted,” Lou replied with a shrug

“Distance? Space to think?” Debbie suggested and eventually plopped down on the edge of the bed to be out of the way.

“Well, yeah. And I did. Think. But I also got tired of thinking really quickly so I just- enjoyed the scenery. Took some long walks. Read a few good books. Talked to some nice people. Started going to church again.”

 

Even out of the corners of her eyes Lou could see Debbie perking up at that last bit.

“Church?”

“Hmm.”

Lou refused the urge to justify herself or belittle its importance and instead went on collecting her belongings from the various corners of the room.

“You never went to church before,” there was no malice or judgement in Debbie’s voice and Lou took a deep breath, feeling more relieved than she probably should. She put the roadmap she’d picked up from the desk in the bag and then sat down next to Debbie.

 

“It gives me peace. Lets me take a step back and breathe. Also it reminds me of my mum.”

It felt weird to say it out loud but when Debbie put a gentle hand on her thigh, Lou raised her head to meet her eyes.

“I get it,” Debbie replied with a smile that somehow seemed more sad and more knowing than a smile should be allowed to. Lou found herself unable to tear her gaze away as she tried to sort that strange new expression. But she had to admit defeat eventually. 20 years ago she might have been able to interpret every little change in Debbie’s expression correctly, but those times were long past. So Lou reverted to asking, because she was determined to keep their new line of honest conversation open.

“What are you thinking?”

The cryptic smile on Debbie’s lips faded and turned into a real one, before she shook her head and shrugged her shoulders.

“Just- that I get it. Needing space to breathe. I’m glad you found something that works for you.”

Lou looked at her questioningly, a thousand and one questions forming in her mind, but Debbie had already turned away to pick up the phone charger from the nightstand and now thrust it into her hand.

“Go on, pack your things! I don’t get why you chose to stay in a room like this.”

Lou shook her head at this strange interaction and Debbie’s way of changing the topic but let it be for the moment.

“Nostalgia?” she instead offered in reply and Debbie huffed in response.

“Well, let’s be nostalgic in my pretty, comfortable hotel room.”

“Oh, now that sounds fun.” Lou teased, wriggling her eyebrows but received a pillow thrown in her face in reply.

“That was NOT what I meant.”

“Oh but it was what I meant.” Lou leaned over the bed and caught Debbie’s lips in a kiss that was immediately returned despite Debbie’s words.

Then she picked up the pillow and threw it back at Debbie, who rolled her eyes, her lips firmly fixed into a bright grin.

 

They spend the rest of the day wandering around the city. Debbie had insisted on Lou deciding what they’d do since she was the one barging in on her. Lou didn’t mind in the slightest that Debbie was here, but she enjoyed showing Debbie around. They drove north to the State Park, in Debbie’s rental despite all of Lou’s begging, and walked along the beach and the dunes. Lou reveled in every minute they spend together like this. It was something they’d never done before.

Back in the day they were always occupied with something: where to get next month’s rent or their next tank full of gas, learning the In’s and Out’s of casinos, creating little tricks to rig bingo. Sometimes they had planned and executed bigger jobs, especially during the time they spend as a trio. There was always that restless energy that kept them going.

Now felt different and Lou didn’t know exactly how to describe it, except that she enjoyed this feeling very much. They had sat down on the sand, overlooking the ocean but all Lou could stare at was Debbie next to her.

She truly was a sight to behold. Even after all these years Lou would never get tired of looking at Debbie Ocean. She was all posture, head held high, indifferent and hard to approach but she had never been that way with Lou. Somehow, from the moment they met, Debbie had decided that Lou was worth letting her walls down for and it still amazed and humbled Lou that she was that person. Lou’s gaze wandered over Debbie’s form and stopped at the tiny ball she was absentmindedly squeezing in her hands. Lou had noticed it earlier, too.

 

“What’s with the little ball?”, she asked and Debbie looked at her, confused for a moment before her eyes followed Lou’s and settled on her hands. She rolled the little ball around in her hands.

“It calms me,” she replied slowly.

There was a hint of something in Debbie’s voice that Lou couldn’t place. It was frustrating, realizing how far they had drifted apart, how she couldn’t just look at Debbie and _know_ anymore. But at least she still _noticed_ and if that was what she was left with, Lou would take it.

“Why do you need calming, Deb?” she asked carefully.

Debbie stopped her hand’s movement around the little ball and Lou could see her taking a deep breath. For the shortest moment she feared she’d said the wrong thing, taken this fragile honesty between them too far too soon, but then Debbie turned slightly and met her eyes.

 

“A lot happened to me. Prison- I,” she paused and Lou almost flinched at the pain flickering behind those brown eyes as fragments of their earlier argument returned to her: ‘ _the images- the nightmares, the flashbacks’_.

“I didn’t leave entirely unscathed,” Debbie finished eventually.

There was so much vulnerability and pain in that statement, it had a shiver run down Lou’s spine. But Debbie hadn’t broken eye contact and that had Lou’s entire being tingling with warmth. She slowly reached out and placed her palm against Debbie’s cheek, gently brushing her thumb over soft skin. It was only then Debbie’s eyes fluttered close and Lou smiled as she let her hand fall down to grasp one of Debbie’s in hers. 

All of this was new: this honesty- the intimacy it created, and it scared Lou and she figured it probably scared Debbie, too. But at the same time it was exciting, exhilarating even- in an emotional sort of way, a feeling Lou couldn’t exactly put into words but felt intensely nonetheless. Debbie squeezed her hand and when they locked eyes again briefly before she turned back to stare at the waves, Lou knew that Debbie felt something similar.

 

They returned to the city not long after. It was early evening when they sat down with some take-out food on a park bench, bathing in the warmth of the slowly setting sun. They didn’t talk all that much, both feeling exhausted by all the truths already exchanged today. When they did talk it was about little things.

Lou told her about Vanessa who had invited her to come to church. Debbie told her about Tammy’s family trip to Disneyland and how the children had taken to her.

They avoided the complicated stuff- again. But there were limits to how much emotionally draining conversation a person could have in one day and they seemed to agree that they had reached those limits.

 

When not soon after they had finished their food clouds came in, covering the setting sun and bringing a steady breeze with them, the temperature dropped and had them both shivering and returning to the hotel.

As they changed clothes and brushed their teeth a sense of familiarity settled between them and Debbie grinned widely when she stepped out of the bathroom and saw the contents of Lou’s bag already exploded all over the room. She had obviously searched for one specific item.

Things had shifted between them but at the same time they had returned to how they should be- and this time their being in-synch was all real and not pretense.

 

“Wanna watch some TV?” Lou asked from where she had propped herself against the headboard of the bed and was already zapping through the programs.

“Yes please, I could settle for something mind-numbing.”

Debbie settled in next to her, placing one leg over Lou’s without hesitation and nudging at her shoulder until she raised her arm for Debbie to snuggle into her side. Lou smiled down on her once she had settled. They decided on some mindless action movie that was just enough to hold their attention without asking for too much thinking. Still, by the end of it Debbie yawned loudly and Lou followed suit.

 

“Please tell me you’re as tired as I am so I don’t feel like a complete idiot almost falling asleep at hardly 5 past 10,” Debbie drawled as she sat up straight and stretched her back while Lou turned off the TV.

“If you’re asking if this is what getting old feels like, I can comfort you because, yes I am just as tired.”

“Hey!”

Debbie pinched Lou’s side who couldn’t suppress the high pitched squeal, immediately followed by hands grasping at the sheets to stop herself from slipping off the bed. Debbie laughed at the sight of Lou flailing her limbs.

“You so deserved that for calling me old!”

“Just to make it clear, I called myself old, too,” Lou grinned. She had regained her balance and now reached for the pill and water bottle she’d put on the nightstand earlier. Debbie watched as she took the pill and then slipped under the covers and made herself comfortable.

Eyeliner and lipstick washed off, bare of any jewelry, grin turned into the tiniest smile, her whole face had softened and Debbie just looked at her. Lou had always been sharp edges, make up and fashion choices a line of defense as much as an expression of self. Debbie loved that side of Lou, but what she loved even more was this side of her. All soft smiles and blonde hair messily spilled over a pillow, blue eyes tired but entirely unguarded, returning her gaze with an expression Debbie couldn’t possibly name but one that made her whole body tingle and hum with love for the woman.

She realized that although they had been close, had cuddled and occasionally fallen asleep in the same spot since she got out of prison, they hadn’t shared a moment like this. Not this open, not this intimate.

 

Lou’s quiet voice guided Debbie back to reality from where her thoughts had been drifting off to.

“Lay down, Deb,” she said, “I’m gonna fall asleep in about 20 minutes and it’s weird that you’re just staring at me.”

Debbie felt her lips curl into a smile, shook her head to clear it and then obliged, reaching to turn off the light and slipping under the covers next to Lou. Immediately she felt Lou reaching out to her and she happily scooted closer, letting herself be wrapped up in her arms and tucking her head under Lou’s chin, lips resting against the warm skin of her chest.

The warmth that engulfed her was both physical and emotional and some part of her noted that she was the biggest sap for feeling like this, cuddling like this, entirely non-sexual after literal years of yearning for Lou. Apparently she still had the ability to surprise herself. Or maybe all these people talking about how important open and honest communication and real emotional connection were in a relationship were insufferably right. Debbie didn’t care too much right now.


	11. I'm ready to suffer, I'm ready to hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had parts of this written since forever ago. Still it took me ridiculously long to put this chapter together. These lasts chapters turn out to be so much more difficult than I anticipated. I'm not yet sure if I'll stay with the plan of 12 chapters or if it's gonna be 13 in the end. My plans seem to be worth nothing at the moment when it comes to this story.  
> I hope you still enjoy this somehow freakishly long chapter that's a little all over the place but I guess so are Lou and Debbie at this point so maybe it all works out.  
> Special shout-out to a friend who's probably never going to read this but helped out with the big red "WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!" note that was in this chapter for the longest time when she caught sight of it while I was writing during our history lecture. Thank you!
> 
> Trigger warnings: mentions of rape, childhood abuse, PTSD, panic attacks

On the morning of day three, after they had spent the previous day exploring the state park further east, Debbie couldn’t keep the question to herself anymore.

Sitting up on her side of the bed, one leg tucked underneath herself, Debbie turned to be able to face Lou who had just picked up one of her two pill bottles.

"Lou?"  
"Hmm?"  
"What pills are you taking?"  
Debbie wasn't sure at all how Lou would take that question, wasn't even sure if she was allowed to ask it. The past two days since their initial talk, they had spent in this weird sphere somewhere between newfound intimacy and year old familiarity all inclusive the bickering and banter and shoving each other against walls every now and then for a good old make-out session.

But it was day three now and as much as Debbie loved this weird, romantic get-away thing they had going on, she knew they couldn’t hold off reality forever. In fact, trying to do that was exactly what had almost torn them apart before and she wasn’t in any need for a repeat performance.

Also she was starting to worry. She just needed to know.

  
Lou luckily didn't seem bothered by the question. Instead, she merely swallowed said morning pill, put the water bottle back down and moved so she could sit up leaning against the headboard of the bed.  
"It's an antidepressant. Helps against anxiety, too. At night I just take something to help with sleep. It's not Ambien or anything that really knocks you out, it just makes me tired faster."  
Debbie couldn't hide her surprise, as much as she wanted to. Of course she knew that loads of people took medication for their mental health. Half of the prison population had been on anti-depressants and half of that took them for actual problems and didn’t just cheek them to sell later. Still, she had never entertained the thought that Lou would be one of those people. That she’d feel bad enough to need them. Guilt immediately started gnawing at Debbie’s insides. She reached out to gently run a finger through Lou's hair.

  
"I didn't know-", she didn't know how to finish that sentence. How long had Lou been taking that medication for? She never noticed in the past months they lived together. But then again, her mind had been occupied with other things and they hadn't shared a room. Or a bed. And this whole honesty thing was new, too. Their first true and honest communication had been two days ago, followed by the immediate silent decision to postpone further such conversation to a more suitable time. Debbie should have known that such a time would never come. Still, something had shifted between them and she knew that both of them were intend on at least trying. Even if they stumbled and fell every step of the way.

  
But Lou's expression was honest and not the least bit offended or defensive and it relaxed Debbie to see that. Apparently, Lou’s thoughts were going down a similar way concerning this honesty thing.  
"I know you didn't know. You would definitely have said something those last months,” Lou’s voice was even.  
"How long have you been taking them?"  
Debbie moved her hand from Lou's hair down to her arm, tracing lines up and down the silky skin. She felt the need to have some sort of skin contact while they were having this kind of heavy conversation.  
"A little over 4 years now,” Lou replied, following the movement of Debbie’s hands with her eyes, “I wasn't thrilled at the idea in the beginning, but you know Tammy. She has this way of gently forcing you to do the mature thing."

A small smile curved Lou’s lips when she locked eyes with Debbie.

  
Tammy. Of course! Debbie remembered how reluctant Tammy had been to talk about what Lou had been up to while she was in prison. She had said there were things Lou had to tell her herself. She guessed this was that. _Oh Lou_. Debbie remained silent, her eyes drifting off, thinking over this new information, not stalling the movement of her fingers along Lou's arm. Another pang of pain exploded in her chest as she imagined what Lou might have gone through while she was gone.

  
"Debbie?"  
"Hmm?"  
When she met Lou's eyes again, they were so expressive she almost felt dizzy for a moment. There was so much happening behind those blue oceans: love and fear and hesitation and determination.  
"I won't run screaming, if you ask questions. I promise,” she offered quietly.  
Debbie held her gaze, nodding slowly but still had to take a deep breath before speaking:  
"Are you okay? I mean, of course I know about- _Melbourne_.” Debbie had to swallow hard before being able to choke out that last word.

That was a memory she would _never_ forget. That evening some 23 years ago when after a botched job they got drunk on too much wine, watched some horribly sad movie and Debbie had looked up when the credits rolled around to find Lou silently _sobbing_ next to her. And a mini-heart attack on Debbie’s part later, after even more alcohol for Lou, she had slowly and shakily under seemingly never-ending tears recounted the evening some drunk college student had raped her in an alley behind a bar in Melbourne when she was 22. Debbie could still feel the fury at the world she’d experienced that night, but she swallowed it down now.

“And I know about your dad, but- you never took anything before?"  
Lou's eyes clouded over ever so slightly and Debbie was almost ready to regret asking after all, but then Lou caught her hand, still running over her arm, and interlaced their fingers. Debbie had a feeling it was as much to ground herself as it was to assure her.

  
"I'm okay,” Lou replied, voice quiet but even, “As okay as I'll ever be, probably. I don’t care about the fancy clinical diagnosis although it’s probably written down somewhere, but- I've come to understand that I wasn't fine, mentally. Not really. And not for a long time. When you went to prison, for a while everything finally just got too much. I made some--questionable decisions. I went through a few rough months. When Tammy made me talk to a therapist, I was full on prepared to reject everything she said. But then what she did say was--scarily accurate."  
"What did she say?"  
"That sometimes, when you've had a traumatic experience early on in life, you suffer all your life without ever realizing it. Because you know nothing else."

Debbie’s heart _hurt_ at the idea of Lou suffering like this.

  
"And that's true for you?"  
She sensed Lou tensing and rubbed small circles over the back of their entwined hands. It was a small offer of comfort.  
"Yeah," Lou replied, taking a deep breath, "I think it is.”

She raised her head to look at Debbie.

“I don’t like to admit it, but my father really did mess me up. I mean, I knew he was an asshole, but I thought I was over it, you know. Once I got away from him, out of his reach, away from his temper and the yelling and beating, I thought I was fine. I thought getting out was all it took to be okay. Turns out trauma doesn’t really work like that. And then Melbourne happened and-”

She broke off tightening her hold on Debbie’s hand who struggled to calm the rage building in her at the world hurling all of these horrors at Lou.

 

Her words had Debbie’s mind racing. Part of her was still occupied with the information that Lou, her beautiful, strong, sharp-tongued Lou had been silently suffering for so long without her noticing. How could she have been so blind?

But another part, and the much scarier one, was considering how Lou’s use of the word ‘trauma’ felt like it hit painfully close to home and brought up memories of panic attacks and bloody wrists as persuasive arguments. It took Debbie a considerate amount of willpower to tear that part of her mind away from its musings and focus back on Lou when she continued speaking:

“When I went on medication, after all the initial side effects went away, I felt like a new person.” She offered the tiniest smile. “I don't know how to even explain it. It's like- all my life my brain had worked on only half its capacity and then suddenly it didn't anymore. Everything got so much easier. Less exhausting, less tiring, less irritating. I started the pills because at the time it was either that and therapy or an alcohol addiction and- well Tammy made sure it didn’t turn into the latter. But I'm so much better on them. And if I have to take them for the rest of my life, then be it. I just know that I can’t go back to how things were before. Not now that I know what ‘feeling normal’ is like."

 

Debbie nodded very slowly, simultaneously at a loss for words and wanting to ask so many questions. The mix of emotions flooding her system almost nauseated her.  
"Are you still seeing that therapist?" is what she settled on eventually.  
"No,” Lou shook her head, “I haven't for a while. And I don't feel like I need to currently, but there’s no guarantee that I won’t have to again in the future.”

"Was- Do you-" Debbie broke off. She knew the question painfully burning at the back of her throat was a selfish one, but she needed to know. It had built and built the longer Lou had talked. She just needed to know- to stop that ugly growing feeling in the pit of her stomach.  
"Was it- my fault you were hurting so much? Those months, after I went to prison...?"  
She couldn't help the urge to close her eyes to avoid Lou's gaze.

  
"Oh Deb no!" Lou's hand was suddenly at her cheek and she didn't speak until Debbie reluctantly opened her eyes again and met beautiful bright blue ones burning with certainty.

"My demons are not your fault, Deb! Did you break my heart when you chose Becker and your stupid pride over me? Yeah. But thousands of people get their heart broken. So much shit happened to me before I ever even met you. A lot of shit that I learned I will never be completely over, but none of that is your fault, Deb! "  
Debbie nodded slowly and let herself relax when Lou pressed the gentlest of kisses to her lips.  
"I'm glad the meds are helping you.", Debbie eventually said, meaning every word of it.  
It still weighed heavy on her that Lou had been suffering so much without her ever noticing but she was immensely relieved that she had found something to help her deal with it.

 _Unlike you!_ , a nasty part of her brain reminded her with another memory of bloody wrists and immediately her fingers started scratching again before she could catch herself and silence that intrusive lie.  
  
"Are you okay Deb?", Lou quietly asked.  
Her gentle, inquisitive voice coupled with the worry clouding over her eyes as she looked at her, tugged at Debbie’s heart and a pathetic sound made it’s way past her lips despite her best efforts. _Honesty_ , she remembered herself though and reached again for Lou’s hand to ground herself.

"Not really.", she whispered before forcing her mind to focus again and steadying her voice, "a lot of- ugly things- happened in prison. I'll be fine, though."  
" _Debbie_ -" Lou's voice was an exasperated drawl, clearly indicating her irritation at the assertion but Debbie quickly interrupted her, as the swirling pieces of thoughts in her mind slowly but surely pierced themselves together.  
"No, really, Lou. I'll be fine. Not immediately, probably not for a long while.” _Because that’s how trauma works_ , the new clarity in her head helpfully offered, “And I probably won't get over my stubbornness either and tell you right away when I'm not. But I promise I'll try. After you left for California, I spent two weeks at Tammy's, because I couldn't stand being along at the loft. Which--that's a thing now, I have the most idiotic problem with being by myself in silence. But I will get through that or I'll learn to live with it or- whatever, you get it. The point is, I will be fine."

Maybe it was the sudden acceptance of the word ‘trauma’ for what had happened to her. Maybe it was hearing about the hell Lou went through (and she hadn’t even heard all of it. It hadn’t slipped past her that Lou had avoided saying what exactly happened during those rough first months). But if Lou had learned how to fight her demons, then so would she.

 

Lou's eyes were firmly fixed on Debbie’s, apparently trying to work out whether her words were the truth or just her being stubborn again. But Debbie really meant what she said. As glad as she was that therapy and medication helped Lou, she knew it wasn't for her. She had been overwhelmed with the intensity of things in the first days of Lou's absence. She had reached her breaking point moving in with Tammy. But over the past weeks she had also learned how to adapt. And she would continue doing so. Maybe some things would be different forever. So what if she became one of those people who always had the radio on for background noise? What if she became someone who'd rather ask a good friend if it was okay to come over instead of staying home alone?  
She wasn't going to be less of anything because of it. And she would be fine.

The sudden clarity was weird, but Debbie welcomed it and her certainty seemed to translate, because Lou eventually nodded slowly and let go of Debbie's hand to instead cup her cheek.

  
"Okay, I trust you. Just--Let's try to keep talking like this, okay? Let's try not to sit on things this time around."  
"I'll try, I promise.", Debbie replied, a smile tugging at her lips before she gave into the urge to kiss Lou. Because she could do that again. Kiss her whenever she felt like it.  
"I'm serious though, Deb," Lou got back to it once they parted, "I've been impacted so much by stuff that happened decades ago and thought I was long over. You spend almost 6 years in there. You're right, I have no idea what that's like. I know you're not like me when it comes to dealing with stuff. You've always been more resilient. But-- tell me when you're hurting okay?"  
Debbie swallowed heavily getting lost in the intensity of Lou's eyes.  
"I will.", she whispered in reply, unable to locate her voice in the wave of emotion suddenly crashing over her.  
"I promise I won't make you go to a therapist."  
That made Debbie bark out a laugh and she could see a smile playing on Lou’s lips as well, but she still had to swipe away some tears from her cheeks before she could smile, too. She moved closer and tugged at Lou’s hand, who got the clue and scooted down to lay on her back so Debbie could comfortably curl up against her and rest her head on her chest.

 

"I love you very much, but I don't think I'd do that even for you.", she responded and traced patterns over Lou's collarbone.  
"I guessed as much," the smile was still audible in Lou’s voice but Debbie knew she was serious.

And Debbie was serious, too, when she spoke again, carefully measuring her words:  
"But if I should actually--you know- do something stupid, please do stop me."  
She felt Lou immediately tense underneath her.  
"Do you think you ever might?"  
Debbie was just about to immediately reply with 'No' but she forced herself to think for a moment. She wasn't suicidal, definitely not, death scared her to no end. But hurting herself she was capable of. And would she always be in control?  
"I think," she tried to find the words, "I think I might get so caught up in my mind that--I might not always know when to stop."  
She felt Lou exhale slowly and then her hands came up to rest protectively against Debbie’s back, a silent promise.

 

They lay together like that for a long time. Not talking, just listening to each other’s breathing and heartbeat. For once, Debbie found the silence didn’t make her anxious. It probably had to do with being held in Lou’s arms but it still felt like a weight off her chest. Being this close to Lou, breathing in her scent, lips resting against silky skin, their conversation having lifted long-held worries off her mind, Debbie felt safe and completely at ease for the first time in a long time. It translated physically and she felt her whole body bleeding tension.

“I get panic attacks. Flashbacks.” The words left Debbie’s mouth suddenly and without much conscious decision. She almost expected to want to take them back immediately, but she didn’t. The feeling of peace and safety that had settled as a comfortable warmth in her chest didn’t waver and neither did Lou’s hands trailing patterns on her back.

 

“Is that what the little balls are for?” Lou’s voice felt like soft honey.

“Hmm,” Debbie hummed in reply, “Tammy’s idea. Well, kind of. Not really.”

“How does that work?”

“Tammy was the one telling me ‘We need to find you a better coping mechanism’ when I turned up at her doorstep wrists all raw.”

“You scratch at your wrists when you’re nervous,” Lou replied with only a second’s pause.

“Hmm.” Debbie wasn’t even surprised that Lou, like Tammy, remembered that. “Only that that little nervous tick turns rather bloody when you pass from nervous to anxious to panic-y and I can’t NOT do something when I feel like that because if I don’t, I might just explode or- implode, or just flat out die. I spent a lot of time petting Tammy’s dog at the beginning- but don’t worry! I don’t want to get a dog! Then Jacob gave me a little stuffed tiger. To protect me. And it’s got this filling- I don’t know what it is, but it just feels _right_. I would’ve bought 20 of those little tigers if I had to, but the balls have the same texture. And they make me feel minimally less pathetic.”

“You’re not pathetic,” Lou objected.

Debbie smiled against her collarbone.

“I know. It’s just- I’m still getting used to this new me.”

“You’re still _you_ , Debs.”

“I know.”

Debbie raised her head to meet Lou’s eyes.

“I think I’m starting to understand that.”

Lou smiled softly in response and Debbie put her head back down on her chest, pressing a kiss to Lou’s skin.

“I never thought it’d get to me like that. Prison, I mean. I grew up in a family of criminals. Half of everyone I knew had done a stint for one thing or another. I didn’t think- I didn’t think it’d be that bad…” she trailed off, air suddenly becoming scarce as her throat constricted.

Lou’s hand tangling in her hair took her back from the momentary flashback of grey shower rooms and four women looming over her.

“You don’t have to tell me.”

“I want to though! It’s just-“ Debbie couldn’t help that she had to gasp to catch her breath.

“Tell me another time then. Whenever you're ready.”

Lou’s fingers gently weaved through Debbie’s hair, her other hand resting protectively against the small of her back. “Just breathe.”

Debbie did exactly that, let her eyes fall close and breathed as deeply as she could until her heartbeat slowed back down to normal.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, unable to fight the urge to apologize. She really wanted to tell Lou about prison. She felt like she owed this honesty to her and there was also that tiny voice whispering that if she just said it out loud _once_ it might not be as a scary anymore.

“Don’t be,” Lou replied, fingers ever so comfortingly combing her hair.

Debbie knew Lou would say that, still it made her smile against Lou’s skin and she just took another deep breath.

 

The sound of a phone vibrating against a hard surface made her jump a moment later but Lou was already reaching towards her nightstand.

She took a look at the offending phone and then let it fall between the sheets with a chuckle.

“Who was it?” Debbie asked looking up to meet Lou’s eyes.

“Tammy.”

Debbie rolled her eyes and couldn’t help but chuckle, too.

“We should answer her.”

“Probably.”

“She really helped me out. I don’t know how I well I would have gotten through the past weeks without her.”

“We should get her a gift basket!”

“ _Lou!_ ”

Debbie sat up and slapped Lou’s arm for the uncalled-for nonchalance.

“I’m being serious! Tammy’s been amazing. So much so, I really don’t deserve her. Don’t joke about her like this!”

Lou moved to sit up as well and when she answered, her voice was serious, calming Debbie’s irritation: “None of us deserves Tammy.”

Debbie shook her head and took a deep breath before meeting Lou’s eyes again, irritation fading but slowly.

“Did you know about her depression? After Emma was born?”

Lou nodded slowly, face falling a little.

“Yeah, I did.”

“What happened?” Debbie inquired, reaching for Lou’s hand. She had apparently developed the weird habit of being a lot more touchy-feely than before, but since it was Lou she really didn’t care.

“Nothing happened,” Lou sighed in response, “That’s it. Tammy saved me when you left and just when I was getting back on my feet, things got so hard for her. And I- I should have done better as her friend. I was busy, I just bought the club, I was working all the time. I let her down.”

There was so much regret in her voice, making it painfully obvious that despite her earlier joking, Lou loved Tammy a whole lot and Debbie felt sorry for reacting so harshly.

“I’m sure you didn’t-“, she tried to comfort but Lou interrupted her.

“No. I did. I know I did.” She took a deep breath but when she met Debbie’s gaze again it was with less agitation and more determination. “I’ve apologized to her, but I can’t turn back time. So yeah, none of us deserves Tammy. But I’m glad she sticks around for the both of us anyway.”

Debbie offered a half smile and was met with soft blue eyes before they fell to their clasped hands where Lou ran her thumb over Debbie’s hand.

“Let’s get her a gift basket,” Debbie said after a moment’s pause and Lou laughed and rolled her eyes and shook her head before pulling Debbie close for a kiss that started out all soft and innocent but quickly had them both panting for breath and forgetting all thoughts of Tammy.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and I would LOVE, if you commented or left kudos if you liked it (or even if you didn't and have something constructive to say)!


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